Today has been amazing. I have always been somewhat reluctant to say that a day is perfect, but it seems that this entire week has been that way. Yes, there have been brief moments of sadness and depression, but the majority of the time I have been happy and excited about all that life has to teach me. But to return to why today has been so great, I must say that there is nothing better in life than being able to be honest with yourself about your feelings. Before this summer, I had a difficult time expressing how I felt about so many different things, which was a hassle. I always felt so burdened, not wanting to do much of anything unless it had something to do with Togetherness, which is a program that I created my freshmen year of college. This program gave me the reassurance that I needed to know that expressing the truth to other people is possible, but I found myself telling the same story -- "My name is Michael Roulhac, and I am survivor, a survivor that has had to deal with life circumstances that many would find unbelievable." It was, and is, a good story to tell, but the story was sad. I would only speak of my triumphs momentarily, not taking an opportunity to talk about the good things about my life. I did not want to express my happiness and joy. I was so lost in the adversity that I blinded myself to the realities of all the great things transpiring right in front of my face. But who could blame me? Up until college, my life was constantly bombarded by negativity. Everywhere I looked, I saw darkness. It was awful, and since it was the only thing that I chose to see, it was the only thing I felt comfortable talking about. It really is ironic when I think about it.
The negative around me was my inspiration. It gave me the motivation and determination to find jubilation. When I was six years old, I vividly remember working for a company called Jesse's Moving. Again, I was six at the time, but I remember working with grown men who were making the same wages that I was -- a measly ten dollars an hour, sometimes less. Ten dollars an hour was a lot for me, but it disturbed me that grown men, who were responsible for children, mortgage payments, car payments, and other bills, were depending on this job as their only source of income. It was then that I knew I needed to make sure to turn the negative into positive. At that moment, I decided that I was not going to let my circumstances affect me. It would have been easy for me to succumb to the adversity, but I was strong. I saw my mother's example, and wanted to do better than her. But by blinding myself to the realities of my situation, I trained myself to lie in order to feel better. It worked for quite some time, but then I realized that I had created a massive hole of emptiness because I was not being honest with myself. So, this summer, I made it a priority to discover the truth about my existence. I wanted to know why I am here and what I am suppose to do, questions that come with severe consequence once investigated. Regardless, the search began.
I looked deep into my heart and soul, challenging myself to think in the abstract constantly. What if scenarios were my speciality at the time: What if I could go back into the past and change this situation or that relationship, and what about that one time? Theses were questions that I would pose to myself constantly. The answers were disturbing at times, but I continued to search for meaning, loosing myself to thought for days at a time. The experience itself was surreal. I knew that I was alive, but life was too good to be true. I literally felt as if I was living in a dream. I doubted the reality of my existence. I had been accustomed to negativity. I felt that I was undeserving of such jubilation. But I soon realized that I was wrong about the latter proposition. It is okay to be happy. Sadness comes and goes, but happiness is everlasting, I just have to be open to express the truth of my existence. Until then, the confusion will corrupt my mind, eating away at the foundation of honesty that I have been working so hard to build.
When I deemed this summer as the summer of truth, I wasn't exactly sure what I meant by such a broad and general statement, but now I understand. It is okay to be happy, and not have to worry about what might happen today, tomorrow, or three weeks from now. With God serving as the foundation of my life, I need not worry about what I cannot change. All that I can do is move forward, accepting His guidance as it comes.
At the beginning of this post I mentioned that today has been amazing, and the reason for such a claim is that I can literally see my dreams coming true. My whole prerogative in life is to unite people from multiple and varied perspectives. And each day, I am given an opportunity to do so; it is just a matter of expressing the truth about myself to others, something that has frightened me for so long. But I have come to understand that if you express the truth about yourself, people will reciprocate your efforts, at least in most cases. I am not naive. I know there are plenty of people that could care less about what you have to say, and will lie, cheat, and steal to have their way. However, I believe that these type of people are only but a small portion of the human population. Most of us want the world to change for the better, and by working together, such change will be fostered.
These paragraphs are scattered I know, but thank you for baring with me, there is so much on my mind, and I know if I do not express it now, it will remain as a burden. I do not like to carry unnecessary burdens, and I believe expressing myself to others is one of the best way to alleviate those burdens. All of this to say that I do not like to express details about my life. It has always been easy for me to talk about the ideas of what I might be experiencing, but I rarely talk about what I am actually going through, especially when things are going well. I would rather talk about the negative or the ideas that go behind making the negative positive. But now I am no longer afraid to tell the truth, and I know by doing so I can do more to help others. One thing I learned during the Interfaith Leadership Institute, which took place in D.C. this week, is the fact that "if I ain't given, I ain't livin," so I want to share all that I can, in hopes that it well help other people.
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