I do not know why I try my best not to write. Too much truth in one day? No, I have learned that it is not a negative thing to want to know more, and that is exactly what I have been striving for all summer. I have not taken as much time as I would have liked to read, that I must admit, but the time I have taken instead to write and speak has been incredible. I have never given myself a chance to discover, but this summer, I have remained completely open-minded about all things. I have taken a stance on certain subjects, but I am not argumentative about my beliefs. Instead of voicing my opinion on every occasion, I take time to listen to what others have to say. I can speak for myself, but I rather speak for the people. I am not important; I am just another slave to the unknown forces of the universe. In my case, the forces represent the manifestation of God, but I do not want to be irrespective of anyone's religious or non-religious traditions. We all have a voice, so I try my best to speak for as many people as I can by synthesizing all of what is said, and then I try to deliver a message that is all inclusive. Yes, I have accepted my role as a synthesizer. And I will continue to hear the cries of all people, so that one day we will speak as one. With God as my guide and my protector, I will fear no enemy. All challenges will be met and conquered. My focus is unshakable. I have found a balance that will allow me not only to live up to my potential, but will increase my capacity for knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. These qualities will give my life more meaning and value, and as I search for the manifestations of these truths, I will continue to sing to the tune of my own song (Whitman anyone?) Fear? There is nothing to fear other than fear itself. Not only can I write that with passion and understanding, I now know what it means to feel the gravity of such profound and truthful words. The tendency is to remain in the abstract, but now I reflect upon the present, at least what I experienced the past two days. (And hopefully, I will be able to fall asleep.)
There was a time when I had convinced myself that sleeping for such long and extended amounts of time was a sign of depression. Now there is some truth to this statement, but only when such action becomes a normal occurrence. And for the last two months, I have rarely slept more than 8-10 hours, in fear that such an occurrence was a sign of depression or that I was simply excluding myself from the pleasures of life. But this past weekend was different. I wanted to do so much after receiving such an abundance of knowledge about how to change the world. The ILI conference inspired me in a way that has strengthened my belief in world peace, which was once something of an abstract idea. I thought that world peace was nothing more than a theory to be debated and discussed for millennia, but the possibility of achieving this lofty goal has presented itself. Each day of my life I search for an answer to the issue of world peace, and at the ILI, I was given a concrete strategy as to how to bring it about. With so much weighing on my mind, it was hard not to want to learn as much as possible. I wanted to read, watch, and listen to all that I could. I didn't even think about sleeping. Why sleep when the world was unaware of it's potential greatness? But when I awoke Saturday, I noticed a tremendous change in the way I had been dreaming.
As of late, my dreams have been very vivid. Not only do I remember particular scenarios and events, but I have the ability to relive those dreams through my daily interactions with people. I synthesize all of what happens the night before and search for the idea that most represents the desires of my unconscious mind. Articulating such an occurrence seems paranormal or strange, I know, but I promise you I am not under the influence of any drugs or alcohol. But as I said earlier, when I awoke on Saturday I noticed a difference.
Instead of dreaming about a particular moment in time or what might transpire the next day, I began to dream about my entire life. The past, present, and future were no longer a mystery. I still do not know the exact details of my future, but by being able to vividly see the idea of what has been, what is, and what is to come, I was given a greater sense of awareness and hope. I realized that I do not need to fret about what I cannot know. I can only know about the moment I am currently in. And even then, it is impossible to know exactly what is going on. Who is to say that I will not be able to type five minutes from now. I can not relive the past, and I cannot see into the future. All that I can do is be in the moment. This was such a wonderful lesson to be able to understand. For my entire college career, I had been unwilling to accept the jubilation of the present moment. If I was happy, I felt the need to do something "productive," rather than sharing my happiness with others. I know it sounds strange, but all of what I just mentioned was revealed to me in my dreams.
So, instead of overworking myself on Saturday, I decided to fall asleep any time I felt tired, and I am so happy I did. I am typically a heavy sleeper, but I took two naps, both not lasting more than two hours, and each time it felt as if I had been asleep for an eternity. I wish I could remember the exact details of the dreams... Nope. But I will say that each time I awoke, I felt like a new person. It was if by going to sleep, I was being reintroduced to the world, like an infant who knows nothing, not even knowledge about their own existence. It was surreal. I was skeptical at first, I mean who wouldn't be, but then I accepted it as truth.
Sunday was even better. I slept for a total of eleven hours! It was fa-bu-lous. The dreams were more vivid than the one's before, and I felt at peace. I only wish I could have stayed asleep longer. It really was an incredible feeling. But the best part of all of this was the fact that I accept myself for me. I am a unique individual, and a just a few weeks ago, I would have been ashamed to share the information I just explained. I am no longer ashamed. I am comfortable in my own skin because I can express myself freely.
But, before I conclude, I must take a moment to elucidate an idea that my Dad explained to me today on the phone (I love talking to my father, he is the best!). He talked about what I will call "The Three P's" -- Position, Purpose, and Prevalence. As we were discussing the changing dynamic of my friends, he explained that is imperative for me to position myself with people who will give me a greater purpose, and then transform that purpose into an world changing ecumenical message that will then become prevalent. With so much change and growth occurring in my life, sometimes it is difficult to find people that will enable me to adhere to the three P's, but knowing that all people have something to offer will keep me motivated to find the message that should become the most prevalent.
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