This morning was a wreck. I did not sleep properly, and instead of drinking "caffeinated" coffee, I unknowingly consumed decaf. Who in their right mind invented decaf? Here I am thinking that if I just drink a cup of coffee I should be fine. Nope. To me, the cup of decaf made me feel worse; it was just sad. But I do realize that I need at least an hour or so, if not two hours to prepare myself before I delve into any kind of work. If I am not given these two hours, I become moody, I do not want to talk, and my rationality goes out the window. And for me not to want to speak is extraordinary. I always want to talk, it is just a matter if someone is willing to listen. So, if you ever need to know if I am not doing well, just observe how much I am talking. I can go for hours, especially if the subject is something I am passionate about. But wait, I am getting off topic, oh well. I think my generation truly is the distracted generation. How could we not be with some much information that is readily accessible, not to mention social media websites, such as Twitter and Facebook. I thought Facebook was ridiculously fast as compared to Myspace, but Twitter gives a whole new meaning to instant connection. You can literally be in the moment of someone else's life; it is incredible! Okay, let me calm down for a moment, and address the topic at hand.
My day did improve. At around 11:00am or so, I finally felt like myself again.
Another thing I noticed was the fact that I began to doubt my own abilities when I was not fully awake and ready. It was quite terrifying. I started to feel as if all I had done this past week was a complete waste of time. I found myself not wanting to learn more about the world, and I honestly wanted to quit, just drop everything and leave. I am just happy that I was able to recognize that this was not something I needed to worry about. I just needed to give my brain some time before it was fully functional. I used to think it was possible to leap out of the bed, go to class, and be fully aware of what was going on. That is a lie. Some people might be able to do it, but not me. I do not sleep, I hibernate (Yes, like a bear). I need time to get the brain juices flowing. If I don't, then I might as well go back to sleep because I will be physically present, but my mind will be absent. This morning could have been a complete disaster if I had succumbed to the doubt, but I know myself well enough to recognize the issue within as soon as it arises, at least in most cases. I am not one of those types of people, at least not anymore, that dwells on certain issues for days, weeks, months, and even years at a time. Again, I did once before, but I have learned my lesson, the hard way of course. I will say that I am happy that I learned it at such a young age (I'm only 21, whew!). I think there are plenty of adults who do not have the courage to "let go." This is mere speculation on my part, but I think that there is some truth to this statement.
I have noticed this quality in myself and others around me. Sometimes I find myself saying, "Oh, only if I had not injured my knee during my senior year of high school I could have went to play football at Boise State or only if I had known the value of education in the past I could have went to Harvard, Princeton, or Stanford." As I stated last night, there is nothing that I can do about the past, so I should not worry about what I cannot change. I am here in the now, so I should learn from the past, and not let it be the death of me. This is only possible because I have taken a significant amount of time in college, particularly this past year, to get to know myself. This does not mitigate the sting of the truth, however. As I wrote about not knowing the value of education, I recognized that there were people who tried to inform of its importance, my grandma, my God rest her soul, especially. She kept telling me to read, to write, to not take my education for granted -- did I listen, what do you think? It is humorous now, but when I think back to all the advice I received at a young age about how to live a successful and fulfilled life, it is frankly quite annoying to think I was so unwilling to listen to my elders. Here I am at the tender age of 8 not listening to my grandma, who had seen more than a day than I had seen in a lifetime. Such a mistake, if only I had accepted the truth, but, as I said earlier, I cannot dwell on the past. At this point, all I can do is recognize my mistakes and move forward.
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