I was reluctant to write about more about DuBois before I completed his work "The Souls of Black Folk," but there is honestly too much information to process without working out some of my thoughts on paper...
I had never been exposed to DuBois prior to my matriculation to Wofford. I remember hearing his name on occasion throughout high school, and even during my first two years at Wofford, but I had no idea that he was "the" intellectual of the 20th century, at least in my opinion. There are a lot of people that always seem to close when describing the problems of the age, and some of them are capable of providing positive solutions -- Karl Marx, G.W.F. Hegel, just to mention a couple -- but DuBois's combination scholarship and emotional expression far surpasses them all. The impact of his writing is still relevant today, and his ideas, I would argue, have influenced a number of generations, no matter the color of their skin. I have such a profound respect for this individual, and I am elated that I was afforded an opportunity to spend an entire semester learning about his life story -- the good, and the bad. DuBois accomplished a lot during his lifetime -- I am tempted to list his accomplishments, but that could take quite a bit of time, so I will not do so for now -- but what I find most intriguing about his talents was his ability to communicate through the soul, which, a lot times, is a difficult task, it seems, for people with intellectual capabilities like DuBois (DuBois was Harvard educated, receiving a doctorate from this prestigious university, and he also attended the University of Berlin, as well as Fisk University).
I am not sure if I am the one who is unable to detect the pain of expression by different intellectuals, but there always seems to be an emotional disconnect with academic writing. Academics usually discuss those things that are most important to our lives and society, so I need to be able to "feel" what they are saying before I can accept it as truth. The ability to give myself over to the emotions of different authors has improved a great deal since my time at Wofford, so with time, I am sure that I will be better able to understand multiple perspectives from various authors.
My favorite author other than DuBois is Rene Descartes. When I read through his Meditations, for a second time, I literally refused to read anything else, at least for a couple of days. To me, Descartes had described the human condition in a way that was not only compelling but disturbing as well. He exposed the limits of our understanding, in that all we can truly know is "I think, therefore I am." After accepting this maxim as truth, I was convinced that I did not need to learn anything else. All of what I had been seeking for so long had finally been articulated in a way that gave me greater confidence about my own existence; it was a relief needless to say. My soul had been penetrated, and the truth that I seek to find on a daily basis, in a lot of ways, stems from the knowledge I gained from Descartes that he expressed in his Meditations.
I did not believe it was possible for anyone to go deeper than Descartes, but I was sadly mistaken. Whereas Descartes articulated the pain of his own experience, DuBois, in The Souls of Black Folk, articulates the pain of an entire race -- the human race. When reading through DuBois's first essay, I felt as if the entire world was talking to me at the same time. The wisdom of the world was slowly being revealed to me as I continued to turn the pages. I felt the struggle of so many; I understood their pain, their anguish, their sense of loss. I could hear the voices screaming, but I could not respond. I wanted to close the book immediately. So much suffering contained in one voice was unbearable, but I had to read further. I needed to know the extent of the suffering, so that I could better recognize the sacrifice that had been made for me. If I wanted to know why I am the person I am today, I needed to hear the voice of the eternal soul that lies inside of all of us. I was seeking wisdom, what I have previously called "Brain Water." I needed to free my mind by replenishing it with what we all need most, water. And by doing so, I was able to delve deeper into the well of my emotions, actualizing what had been hidden for so long. And even as I type more about my revelation, I begin to feel the burden of millions being lifted by the hands of those who suffered through what I am not trying my very best to understand. It is as if these persons, my ancestors, are living through me, carrying away my fears, worries, and anxieties. I feel at peace with the world, but I am fully aware that such a feat would have not been possible had I not taken time to listen to what so many wanted to say. They are providing me an historical perspective that allows me to gauge their experience. Experience is all that we can know, so know that I have a better understanding of their experiences, I now can articulate my own in a way that is meaning and valuable to others. I believe that we all have this ability, but we must learn to listen and dive deep into the understanding of the eternal soul.
Because of DuBois, I need not be afraid of how deep the water is. I can go as deep as my heart desires. The oxygen that I need is being provided to me by my ancestors, who already fought that the battles, so that I could live. This, to me, is the epitome of the human soul, and now I am better able to understand that because of this wonderfully crafted work of literature. Thank you.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
It Was True
He was wrong about the past...
The future contains what he desires most, but he moves sluggishly through the crowd. He thinks that this is the best way to success, well, it is for him, but what about those around him? Stop. He does not have the ability to relate because he lacks sound experience. Go Deeper. No, he can relate because of vicarious living, so now he has the ability to learn the lesson without such grave and unwarranted pain.
Question: Why is it that he only seems to focus on the pain? Does he not consider there to be more good than bad. Of course, of course, but if you want to begin to understand his complex, you must know that he continues to embrace what he does not yet understand. This process, he hopes, will provide him with the answer that he needs to overcome. Really now? If only you know of the complex, how shall we say it... Wait, where in the world did we come from... Start over.
The future contains what he desires most and that is success. Success in the form of happiness. Happiness, which is the actualizing of one's potential. And by doing so he is assured of continual peace. Keep going. So, now that he is off in the right direction, he wonders about his siblings, his family, his friends, and even the girls. Why so often do the girls cause him trouble? Life.
Great answer! A celebration is in order. Bring the drugs, bring the alcohol. What? He rejects? Why? Is this not want everybody wants. Yes, they all want to numb the pain rather than deal with the consequences of truth. It seems like so much fun for everybody else that is why he tried himself. So, not only is he now confused... I think it might be time to, wait who is I?... Start over! No, not this time. He will not be deterred from the path. This path suits him well. But if that is this case, then why are there so many questions and doubts even? He should not have to doubt what he believes in. What a fool you are... If he does not question, how else can he be reassured of his faith. Faith is what he has in this world, the only facet of life that is unknowable but makes perfect sense. He is no fool. Do not start over, he is almost there.
So the day has passed and I have learned a great deal. I have a tendency to write what I find to be most complicated in a way that is both appeasing and cathartic to me. I am not sure if you can follow me entirely, but this is a day in the life of Him. No, not myself. I would be a fool to give myself glory for overcoming the fear of failure. I do not consider it an option, but I am only capable because of the goodness of the Lord. There is more to this story that has not yet been revealed, but, in due time, all will be known to you, me, him, her, they, and...
The future contains what he desires most, but he moves sluggishly through the crowd. He thinks that this is the best way to success, well, it is for him, but what about those around him? Stop. He does not have the ability to relate because he lacks sound experience. Go Deeper. No, he can relate because of vicarious living, so now he has the ability to learn the lesson without such grave and unwarranted pain.
Question: Why is it that he only seems to focus on the pain? Does he not consider there to be more good than bad. Of course, of course, but if you want to begin to understand his complex, you must know that he continues to embrace what he does not yet understand. This process, he hopes, will provide him with the answer that he needs to overcome. Really now? If only you know of the complex, how shall we say it... Wait, where in the world did we come from... Start over.
The future contains what he desires most and that is success. Success in the form of happiness. Happiness, which is the actualizing of one's potential. And by doing so he is assured of continual peace. Keep going. So, now that he is off in the right direction, he wonders about his siblings, his family, his friends, and even the girls. Why so often do the girls cause him trouble? Life.
Great answer! A celebration is in order. Bring the drugs, bring the alcohol. What? He rejects? Why? Is this not want everybody wants. Yes, they all want to numb the pain rather than deal with the consequences of truth. It seems like so much fun for everybody else that is why he tried himself. So, not only is he now confused... I think it might be time to, wait who is I?... Start over! No, not this time. He will not be deterred from the path. This path suits him well. But if that is this case, then why are there so many questions and doubts even? He should not have to doubt what he believes in. What a fool you are... If he does not question, how else can he be reassured of his faith. Faith is what he has in this world, the only facet of life that is unknowable but makes perfect sense. He is no fool. Do not start over, he is almost there.
So the day has passed and I have learned a great deal. I have a tendency to write what I find to be most complicated in a way that is both appeasing and cathartic to me. I am not sure if you can follow me entirely, but this is a day in the life of Him. No, not myself. I would be a fool to give myself glory for overcoming the fear of failure. I do not consider it an option, but I am only capable because of the goodness of the Lord. There is more to this story that has not yet been revealed, but, in due time, all will be known to you, me, him, her, they, and...
What About Me?
I know this cannot be true...
He keeps trying to do the right thing, but when the success outweighs the negativity in his life, he rejects the good for what it is. Instead of reflecting on the good, all of what has brought him shame comes to mind. This person is trapped in his own misery when everything is going well. He suffers unnecessarily; he complains when there is nothing to complain about. Life is not suppose to be this good, and if it is, he asks himself why he did not have the opportunities to enjoy it in this manner when he was a young soul. Yes, a young soul, one that was still willing to mature without fear of positive consequences. Wait. Yes, positive consequences. For him, it is a difficult task to mature past his years once again. Three years of college made him question who he was, but now it is time for him to make a triumphant return to self, but the road will not be easy. Negative actions that have become positive habits are hard to break, but he can do it. He is motivated, he is determined, and he is ready. This time he will not fail. If this is who he was such a long time ago, even then he was lying to himself. The amount of effort he had to put forth in the past was extraordinary, but now that he is fully aware of the truth, he will have to work that much harder to maintain his sanity. He is no longer working for the product; instead, he recognizes the process that is life. Life is what will carry him to where he needs to be; he need not worry about the things that he cannot change. All that he can know or trust is himself and the Lord, so that is what he will do until the answer is revealed -- it is only a matter of time.
He keeps trying to do the right thing, but when the success outweighs the negativity in his life, he rejects the good for what it is. Instead of reflecting on the good, all of what has brought him shame comes to mind. This person is trapped in his own misery when everything is going well. He suffers unnecessarily; he complains when there is nothing to complain about. Life is not suppose to be this good, and if it is, he asks himself why he did not have the opportunities to enjoy it in this manner when he was a young soul. Yes, a young soul, one that was still willing to mature without fear of positive consequences. Wait. Yes, positive consequences. For him, it is a difficult task to mature past his years once again. Three years of college made him question who he was, but now it is time for him to make a triumphant return to self, but the road will not be easy. Negative actions that have become positive habits are hard to break, but he can do it. He is motivated, he is determined, and he is ready. This time he will not fail. If this is who he was such a long time ago, even then he was lying to himself. The amount of effort he had to put forth in the past was extraordinary, but now that he is fully aware of the truth, he will have to work that much harder to maintain his sanity. He is no longer working for the product; instead, he recognizes the process that is life. Life is what will carry him to where he needs to be; he need not worry about the things that he cannot change. All that he can know or trust is himself and the Lord, so that is what he will do until the answer is revealed -- it is only a matter of time.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Why Are You So Afraid?
Something of a poem about love.
I need for you tell me a secret, one that you have been hiding from me since the day we met. Wait. This can be no more. If I have been patient for this long, why is it now that I must wait on you? Tell me what I want to hear. No, instead you will refuse. I need to tell you something, but you are resistant. Each time I allow myself to be vulnerable around you, you make a fool of me. My heart is in despair. Why the pain? I took the initial step, I was bold, firm, resolute even, but it has amounted to nothing more than a painful mystery.
This is the time for me to tell you, but you are still not ready. Why? Did I not show you the affection that you had been longing for? Did I not give you the love that you so desperately needed, answer me! Patience. No, I do not want to wait. Why is it that I do what I am supposed to do and my feelings are never reciprocated by you? I am moving to fast? No, I am doing what is best for the both of us. I am not afraid, and this time, it is your decision. I have done the right thing, that which will ensure my happiness. I refuse to carry the burden of darkness that will weigh down on me, crushing my being until I am not able to recognize myself. I refuse. I will not live with the regret because tomorrow is not promised. I am seeing the future, and you are oblivious to the present moment. We will not work, but one day you will no longer be afraid of me. And that is a day that I will rejoice to all of you. Victory in the name of love, my only desire.
But wait there is another. She is of the same kind but firm. She knows herself well, but not well enough to let go. Why do I continually find myself in this situation? I am not searching for much, just companionship, but I only receive rejection. I was honest with you. That is what you wanted, right? A deep and emotional connection untainted by the restrictive measures of societies definitions of truth. We are honest with one another, but you tell me that you have certain issues. No, you are afraid. She was and so are you, you both are.
Cursed I am because of their fears and worries. Why do they not just give themselves over to what they feel? I am not seeking the product, I want the process; yet we cannot move forward if our foundations are built upon trust and honesty. I will not lie because I am secure in my beliefs, and I do want to torture my soul again. But you will wait for nothing, no matter, I will wait with you. You are special to me, and I do care about how this develops. I am suffering more than you know, but only to sharpen what we do share, my only hope is that you will continue to grow with me. I love you.
I need for you tell me a secret, one that you have been hiding from me since the day we met. Wait. This can be no more. If I have been patient for this long, why is it now that I must wait on you? Tell me what I want to hear. No, instead you will refuse. I need to tell you something, but you are resistant. Each time I allow myself to be vulnerable around you, you make a fool of me. My heart is in despair. Why the pain? I took the initial step, I was bold, firm, resolute even, but it has amounted to nothing more than a painful mystery.
This is the time for me to tell you, but you are still not ready. Why? Did I not show you the affection that you had been longing for? Did I not give you the love that you so desperately needed, answer me! Patience. No, I do not want to wait. Why is it that I do what I am supposed to do and my feelings are never reciprocated by you? I am moving to fast? No, I am doing what is best for the both of us. I am not afraid, and this time, it is your decision. I have done the right thing, that which will ensure my happiness. I refuse to carry the burden of darkness that will weigh down on me, crushing my being until I am not able to recognize myself. I refuse. I will not live with the regret because tomorrow is not promised. I am seeing the future, and you are oblivious to the present moment. We will not work, but one day you will no longer be afraid of me. And that is a day that I will rejoice to all of you. Victory in the name of love, my only desire.
But wait there is another. She is of the same kind but firm. She knows herself well, but not well enough to let go. Why do I continually find myself in this situation? I am not searching for much, just companionship, but I only receive rejection. I was honest with you. That is what you wanted, right? A deep and emotional connection untainted by the restrictive measures of societies definitions of truth. We are honest with one another, but you tell me that you have certain issues. No, you are afraid. She was and so are you, you both are.
Cursed I am because of their fears and worries. Why do they not just give themselves over to what they feel? I am not seeking the product, I want the process; yet we cannot move forward if our foundations are built upon trust and honesty. I will not lie because I am secure in my beliefs, and I do want to torture my soul again. But you will wait for nothing, no matter, I will wait with you. You are special to me, and I do care about how this develops. I am suffering more than you know, but only to sharpen what we do share, my only hope is that you will continue to grow with me. I love you.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Strong Religious Convictions
In the past, I was skeptical about posting my religious convictions on-line, but Faith is all that I have in this world. There is a strong tendency to assess whether or not an argument or proposition is valid or logical. Can anything be logical or valid? For instance, with validity, if the premises of the statement are true, then it necessarily follows that the conclusion is true as well. I know that I have not articulated that as well as I should have, but the point is clear: Truth is based on "if." And if this is be the case, how can we ever know anything? Truth is not objective, it is, and will always be, subjective. We cannot discern the truth for ourselves unless we impose some type of standard or convention on what we are analyzing that is ultimately arbitrary. We will never know the truth about anything, so why is there always such a fight about who is wrong or who is right. As Imannuel Kant once stipulated, "The World is What We Make It (Again, I apologize for not being fully aware of Kant's actual statement, this is only my interpretation)." We make God. All of what we know about God is based on subjective experience, it does not mean that he does not necessarily exist, but we can never know the Truth (Yes, with a capital "T") of his nature. Yet that has not stopped us from invoking his name for different causes of human atrocity. It seems that everybody does it. "God, please guide us and protect us as we go to another country and kill innocent people!" Yes, this is the spell that we are under. We believe that nature of God is possible to know, and to make matters worse, we deem ourselves as the protectors of the great wisdom and knowledge of God. Nobody, in my opinion, has a monopoly on the knowledge of God. I thought that God was infinite, meaning all of what he (I use he because of the paternal relationship that is expressed through Christianity) knows, says, or does can never be known to us because such knowledge is incomprehensible. The whole idea about infinity is that there are no limits; yet we seem to have imposed limits on God arbitrarily. Why? Why do we kill each other in the name of God? Why do we hate others who do not believe in God? Why do we blame everything on God when our life crumbles right before us? Why? Why? Why? It does not make any sense to me. I try to think about it logically, I read through different philosophers, like Leibniz, Newton, Descartes, and many others, to come up with the best argument to explain these abhorrent contradictions, but I am not able. I will never be able. I want to know so badly, I feel as if I can never be whole until I know the answer, and I am sure that I am not the first person on this earth to have felt this way. I am lost; I am confused, and I am angry, but what gives me the greatest peace of mind is my faith. Faith is not logical; it cannot be analyzed and put up on a pedestal. Faith just is, which explains my deep connection to God and religion (all of which is subjective). Because I choose to believe in the power of faith, I am constantly reassured that I will be able to maintain my spirit, while persevering through any obstacle that might in encounter.
The last six weeks of my life have been enveloped by depression. There was a so many things going awry that I did not think that I would be able to survive. A lot of times I did not want to wake up for fear that I will stumble through another day, intoxicated by the confusion that was my life. I was so sick that I honestly believed that I might die. My mind, my body, and my soul had been torn to pieces, but it was something that I could not escape. My mom was incarcerated, cigarettes had taken away my once incredible physique, and I could not decipher my feelings about past and present loves. I was an emotional wreck. I wanted to make myself feel better by working out, but I was so unmotivated to do so because I realized how far I had deviated from the path of physical fitness. I was not eating properly; I was starving myself to death. I was down to 170 lbs, and I had not weighed that amount since my first couple of years of high school. I had convinced myself that by eating less that I did not need to work out because I was "watching what I ate." I hated myself. I would look in the mirror and just wonder what had happened. I was so happy for a such a long period of time, and I honestly believed that everything that I was doing to myself would help to make me a better person (which it eventually did), but I did not want to acknowledge the consequences of my detrimental actions. She was there to listen, but not ready to reciprocate my feelings. The other I could not call because I was not ready to recognize how much of a savior she had been to me during the lowest points of my life, the zenith of my anguish. All of this was crushing down on me slowly, and when I finally submitted to the pain, I then had to realize how much damage I had done to myself by not expressing how I felt about all of what was going on. I believed that all of what I was doing was so FUN. Drink, smoke and have sex, yeah that is they key to liberation. No, not at all, at least not for me. I was miserable! But I do not regret my actions, they have made me stronger. I now know that I can persevere because it is no longer an action, but a habit that I have developed over my short twenty-one year span of life. I knew I could do it, but I do recognize that I had help along the way.
My faith is what carried me through all of this mess, and that is exactly what it was, a chaotic and self-imposed mess full of misery, heartbreak, lies, and deceit. I was so down trodden, but through prayer I was able to ask for exactly what I needed to get me through the day. In the past, I would have not taken the time to even deal with myself long enough to even recognize that I was hurt, but that is something that I refuse to do to myself ever again. Instead of wallowing in my own sorrows and not enjoying the happiness that has been afforded to me by God, I would force myself into isolation and eliminate any and all communication about my true feelings about anything. I realize that I do not have to do that anymore. I can pray, and when I do, my worries, cares, fears, and apprehensions will be washed away (that is why I love the rain). It does not make sense, but it makes perfect sense, at least to me that is. I am a man of faith; faith is what I choose to believe in. Faith is what has brought me through this seemingly never ending depression, and faith is what will carry me to the next level of joy and happiness. I am thankful for faith because it can never be valid or logical. If it was, somebody would have a better argument for it based on false notions of truth that would only leave me dazed and confused because of all the contradictions that would aries. This world is already confusing enough, I do not need for something that I truly believe to be confusing as well - now that would be depressing.
The last six weeks of my life have been enveloped by depression. There was a so many things going awry that I did not think that I would be able to survive. A lot of times I did not want to wake up for fear that I will stumble through another day, intoxicated by the confusion that was my life. I was so sick that I honestly believed that I might die. My mind, my body, and my soul had been torn to pieces, but it was something that I could not escape. My mom was incarcerated, cigarettes had taken away my once incredible physique, and I could not decipher my feelings about past and present loves. I was an emotional wreck. I wanted to make myself feel better by working out, but I was so unmotivated to do so because I realized how far I had deviated from the path of physical fitness. I was not eating properly; I was starving myself to death. I was down to 170 lbs, and I had not weighed that amount since my first couple of years of high school. I had convinced myself that by eating less that I did not need to work out because I was "watching what I ate." I hated myself. I would look in the mirror and just wonder what had happened. I was so happy for a such a long period of time, and I honestly believed that everything that I was doing to myself would help to make me a better person (which it eventually did), but I did not want to acknowledge the consequences of my detrimental actions. She was there to listen, but not ready to reciprocate my feelings. The other I could not call because I was not ready to recognize how much of a savior she had been to me during the lowest points of my life, the zenith of my anguish. All of this was crushing down on me slowly, and when I finally submitted to the pain, I then had to realize how much damage I had done to myself by not expressing how I felt about all of what was going on. I believed that all of what I was doing was so FUN. Drink, smoke and have sex, yeah that is they key to liberation. No, not at all, at least not for me. I was miserable! But I do not regret my actions, they have made me stronger. I now know that I can persevere because it is no longer an action, but a habit that I have developed over my short twenty-one year span of life. I knew I could do it, but I do recognize that I had help along the way.
My faith is what carried me through all of this mess, and that is exactly what it was, a chaotic and self-imposed mess full of misery, heartbreak, lies, and deceit. I was so down trodden, but through prayer I was able to ask for exactly what I needed to get me through the day. In the past, I would have not taken the time to even deal with myself long enough to even recognize that I was hurt, but that is something that I refuse to do to myself ever again. Instead of wallowing in my own sorrows and not enjoying the happiness that has been afforded to me by God, I would force myself into isolation and eliminate any and all communication about my true feelings about anything. I realize that I do not have to do that anymore. I can pray, and when I do, my worries, cares, fears, and apprehensions will be washed away (that is why I love the rain). It does not make sense, but it makes perfect sense, at least to me that is. I am a man of faith; faith is what I choose to believe in. Faith is what has brought me through this seemingly never ending depression, and faith is what will carry me to the next level of joy and happiness. I am thankful for faith because it can never be valid or logical. If it was, somebody would have a better argument for it based on false notions of truth that would only leave me dazed and confused because of all the contradictions that would aries. This world is already confusing enough, I do not need for something that I truly believe to be confusing as well - now that would be depressing.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Who Will Cry With Me?
I wrote this piece a few days ago, but I think that it is appropriate to post it after "Love Sharpens," please enjoy!
(06.19.11)
Who will cry with me?
All of this seems so intense, at times I really do not know what to do, but I am gradually improving everyday. I now know the meaning of love, and it feels great. When I wake up, I feel as if I have something to really live for, but it is deeper than just the girl. She is the fire that kindles my soul, restoring the passion that I once had for life in such a way that I am one with the wind, the birds, the trees, nature. I can hear the song of the bird on the windowsill, and he tells me to hold on, so that is what I will do. The fireflies dance in the cool summer breeze, while the trees blow in the wind majestically waiting for the rain to kiss their leaves, restoring them to a new and wonderful phase of life. This is the passion that I have. The words use to escape me, but now they flow without hesitation. I am so proud that I have finally arrived. But again, I owe it to her. If this be the case though, why is it that I still try to deny my love for her, attempting to implant that love in others? That is exactly what they are to me. I am the blade of grass that stands alone, but the weeds grow around me, attempting to force me back down to the ground. Is the ground safe or will it mean that I sink back into the darkness? What am I suppose to do when I cannot see her? How about you tell me the truth, can you do it? You always have something to say about my relationships, but you are not even here to tell me the truth about myself. So not only do I not have her, I do not have you as well. Both guidance and support are gone, and I am left with only me. I can only cry when I know that you can hear me, but your voice has been muted by your own fate, a mistake that has devastated me once again. How come you did this to me when I needed you most? Did I not share my heart with you, how could you do this? Answer me! You cannot, so regress...
The mood has shifted, and with the loss of my only guidance, I continue to search for support more than ever. She is so close, but yet so far. I can feel her breathing life into me, making me whole when I feel so broken. But the strength alludes me. All we can do is sharpen, but that process is so painful. I feel better each day, but I know that I will slip and fall. I will cry, but only on the inside, and you will not even be able to see me. Please come back to me, I need you right now. I cannot go on a moment longer without you. I write letters to you that I do not intend to send, but what is the use if I am never going to see you again. I love you,
No!
Your name will not be mentioned. I cannot do that to myself. Every time I say it, I feel such a passionate release, but I will not expose myself this time. This time it will remain a secret, but only for as long as you continue to be out of my presence. When I see you, the secret will be eliminated from the depths of my soul. No more trying, only action, if need be, I will cry alone, but I have to ask, won't you cry with me?
(06.19.11)
Who will cry with me?
All of this seems so intense, at times I really do not know what to do, but I am gradually improving everyday. I now know the meaning of love, and it feels great. When I wake up, I feel as if I have something to really live for, but it is deeper than just the girl. She is the fire that kindles my soul, restoring the passion that I once had for life in such a way that I am one with the wind, the birds, the trees, nature. I can hear the song of the bird on the windowsill, and he tells me to hold on, so that is what I will do. The fireflies dance in the cool summer breeze, while the trees blow in the wind majestically waiting for the rain to kiss their leaves, restoring them to a new and wonderful phase of life. This is the passion that I have. The words use to escape me, but now they flow without hesitation. I am so proud that I have finally arrived. But again, I owe it to her. If this be the case though, why is it that I still try to deny my love for her, attempting to implant that love in others? That is exactly what they are to me. I am the blade of grass that stands alone, but the weeds grow around me, attempting to force me back down to the ground. Is the ground safe or will it mean that I sink back into the darkness? What am I suppose to do when I cannot see her? How about you tell me the truth, can you do it? You always have something to say about my relationships, but you are not even here to tell me the truth about myself. So not only do I not have her, I do not have you as well. Both guidance and support are gone, and I am left with only me. I can only cry when I know that you can hear me, but your voice has been muted by your own fate, a mistake that has devastated me once again. How come you did this to me when I needed you most? Did I not share my heart with you, how could you do this? Answer me! You cannot, so regress...
The mood has shifted, and with the loss of my only guidance, I continue to search for support more than ever. She is so close, but yet so far. I can feel her breathing life into me, making me whole when I feel so broken. But the strength alludes me. All we can do is sharpen, but that process is so painful. I feel better each day, but I know that I will slip and fall. I will cry, but only on the inside, and you will not even be able to see me. Please come back to me, I need you right now. I cannot go on a moment longer without you. I write letters to you that I do not intend to send, but what is the use if I am never going to see you again. I love you,
No!
Your name will not be mentioned. I cannot do that to myself. Every time I say it, I feel such a passionate release, but I will not expose myself this time. This time it will remain a secret, but only for as long as you continue to be out of my presence. When I see you, the secret will be eliminated from the depths of my soul. No more trying, only action, if need be, I will cry alone, but I have to ask, won't you cry with me?
Love Sharpens
This is a poem I wrote to a friend today; it was an attempt to discover what it means to say that distance sharpens love...
When we are together are souls are connected as one, I lose myself within your smile and I am reassured that everything is going to be alright. Your touch sets my soul on fire, I know that giving myself over to the flesh is wrong, but it feels so right with you. Focus. But now you are about to leave, why will you not stay with me? I thought that our love was true, but maybe I was deceived. I miss you already and yet you are still right in front of me. Focus! The pain is unbearable, we are now seperated and there is nothing that can guide us other than pure emotion. You are alone, I am alone, but we are still together. When I peer into the night sky, I see you as the bright and shining that stands alone, brighter than all the rest. My love for you is never quite adequate and the distance only increases the pain. Your touch is what I yearn for more than anything, but I know that I cannot have it. Our love is sharpened. Each day it improves, but only when we see each other again do I know its true. Each day is proof that we are meant to be together, but until I can feel you next to me, the pain of what I feel for you will only continue to increase. I love you more than you will ever know, but I know that this is the time for our love to grow.
When we are together are souls are connected as one, I lose myself within your smile and I am reassured that everything is going to be alright. Your touch sets my soul on fire, I know that giving myself over to the flesh is wrong, but it feels so right with you. Focus. But now you are about to leave, why will you not stay with me? I thought that our love was true, but maybe I was deceived. I miss you already and yet you are still right in front of me. Focus! The pain is unbearable, we are now seperated and there is nothing that can guide us other than pure emotion. You are alone, I am alone, but we are still together. When I peer into the night sky, I see you as the bright and shining that stands alone, brighter than all the rest. My love for you is never quite adequate and the distance only increases the pain. Your touch is what I yearn for more than anything, but I know that I cannot have it. Our love is sharpened. Each day it improves, but only when we see each other again do I know its true. Each day is proof that we are meant to be together, but until I can feel you next to me, the pain of what I feel for you will only continue to increase. I love you more than you will ever know, but I know that this is the time for our love to grow.
How I Feel
My life is a continual and persistent search for meaning, and, a lot of times, it seems that the meaning of particular situations, that I find myself on a daily basis, escapes me, which is extraordinarily frustrating. Yet I have discovered that through writing, I am afforded the opportunity to give the events of my life the meaning that I want to give them. Otherwise, all of what happens in my life will be based on another person's opinion, which is fine for a certain period of time because I do like to try new things. Eventually, however, I discover that what might work for one person does not necessarily work for me. I am a hard worker, and if there is something that I enjoy for a certain period of time that I think will bring me greater success, I will try my best to test the limits of that particular ideology until I cannot bear the burden of the lie that I am ultimately telling myself. I know a lot of this sounds pretty intense, but this is how I discover answers for myself; it is how I give life meaning. Without such methods, I would be lost, stumbling for one place to the other without the ability to think for myself. I would rather believe in something wrong than to not believe in anything at all. Faith is what makes me stronger, so I do everything I can to fortify my faith everyday. There is hardly ever a moment when I am not questioning what is going on. I do lose myself completely to the moment when a great conversation is taking place; yet this is one of the only times that my mind is free. Otherwise, I am constantly mulling over thoughts, opinions, ideas, philosophies, strategies, and beliefs from myself and others. All of this to say that I am searching for something real. If what I am doing, writing, or saying does not feel right, then I become ashamed of that action, and by writing as much as I can about what is going on in my life, I am better able to discern the right answers for myself. For me, writing is liberation in every sense of the word, the shackles of both mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual slavery are shattered when my thoughts begin to flow onto the page.
Before I matriculated to Wofford College, I was completely aware of the world around me (at least in most cases, definitely not all). I knew that there was an enigma that needed to be solved, but I just did not have the education to express myself in a lucid and coherent manner. However, now that I have significant life experience coupled with a fine liberal arts education (thank you Wofford) to match, I feel as if there is nothing that I cannot conquer. There world is literally my playing field. And each day I prepare myself to learn about as many of the mysteries of this strange and wonderful place that I can. This blog has been a long time coming, but I finally feel ready to communicate my feelings and thoughts, no matter how deep they might be, to other people who choose to follow my life story.
Before I matriculated to Wofford College, I was completely aware of the world around me (at least in most cases, definitely not all). I knew that there was an enigma that needed to be solved, but I just did not have the education to express myself in a lucid and coherent manner. However, now that I have significant life experience coupled with a fine liberal arts education (thank you Wofford) to match, I feel as if there is nothing that I cannot conquer. There world is literally my playing field. And each day I prepare myself to learn about as many of the mysteries of this strange and wonderful place that I can. This blog has been a long time coming, but I finally feel ready to communicate my feelings and thoughts, no matter how deep they might be, to other people who choose to follow my life story.
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