In the past, I was skeptical about posting my religious convictions on-line, but Faith is all that I have in this world. There is a strong tendency to assess whether or not an argument or proposition is valid or logical. Can anything be logical or valid? For instance, with validity, if the premises of the statement are true, then it necessarily follows that the conclusion is true as well. I know that I have not articulated that as well as I should have, but the point is clear: Truth is based on "if." And if this is be the case, how can we ever know anything? Truth is not objective, it is, and will always be, subjective. We cannot discern the truth for ourselves unless we impose some type of standard or convention on what we are analyzing that is ultimately arbitrary. We will never know the truth about anything, so why is there always such a fight about who is wrong or who is right. As Imannuel Kant once stipulated, "The World is What We Make It (Again, I apologize for not being fully aware of Kant's actual statement, this is only my interpretation)." We make God. All of what we know about God is based on subjective experience, it does not mean that he does not necessarily exist, but we can never know the Truth (Yes, with a capital "T") of his nature. Yet that has not stopped us from invoking his name for different causes of human atrocity. It seems that everybody does it. "God, please guide us and protect us as we go to another country and kill innocent people!" Yes, this is the spell that we are under. We believe that nature of God is possible to know, and to make matters worse, we deem ourselves as the protectors of the great wisdom and knowledge of God. Nobody, in my opinion, has a monopoly on the knowledge of God. I thought that God was infinite, meaning all of what he (I use he because of the paternal relationship that is expressed through Christianity) knows, says, or does can never be known to us because such knowledge is incomprehensible. The whole idea about infinity is that there are no limits; yet we seem to have imposed limits on God arbitrarily. Why? Why do we kill each other in the name of God? Why do we hate others who do not believe in God? Why do we blame everything on God when our life crumbles right before us? Why? Why? Why? It does not make any sense to me. I try to think about it logically, I read through different philosophers, like Leibniz, Newton, Descartes, and many others, to come up with the best argument to explain these abhorrent contradictions, but I am not able. I will never be able. I want to know so badly, I feel as if I can never be whole until I know the answer, and I am sure that I am not the first person on this earth to have felt this way. I am lost; I am confused, and I am angry, but what gives me the greatest peace of mind is my faith. Faith is not logical; it cannot be analyzed and put up on a pedestal. Faith just is, which explains my deep connection to God and religion (all of which is subjective). Because I choose to believe in the power of faith, I am constantly reassured that I will be able to maintain my spirit, while persevering through any obstacle that might in encounter.
The last six weeks of my life have been enveloped by depression. There was a so many things going awry that I did not think that I would be able to survive. A lot of times I did not want to wake up for fear that I will stumble through another day, intoxicated by the confusion that was my life. I was so sick that I honestly believed that I might die. My mind, my body, and my soul had been torn to pieces, but it was something that I could not escape. My mom was incarcerated, cigarettes had taken away my once incredible physique, and I could not decipher my feelings about past and present loves. I was an emotional wreck. I wanted to make myself feel better by working out, but I was so unmotivated to do so because I realized how far I had deviated from the path of physical fitness. I was not eating properly; I was starving myself to death. I was down to 170 lbs, and I had not weighed that amount since my first couple of years of high school. I had convinced myself that by eating less that I did not need to work out because I was "watching what I ate." I hated myself. I would look in the mirror and just wonder what had happened. I was so happy for a such a long period of time, and I honestly believed that everything that I was doing to myself would help to make me a better person (which it eventually did), but I did not want to acknowledge the consequences of my detrimental actions. She was there to listen, but not ready to reciprocate my feelings. The other I could not call because I was not ready to recognize how much of a savior she had been to me during the lowest points of my life, the zenith of my anguish. All of this was crushing down on me slowly, and when I finally submitted to the pain, I then had to realize how much damage I had done to myself by not expressing how I felt about all of what was going on. I believed that all of what I was doing was so FUN. Drink, smoke and have sex, yeah that is they key to liberation. No, not at all, at least not for me. I was miserable! But I do not regret my actions, they have made me stronger. I now know that I can persevere because it is no longer an action, but a habit that I have developed over my short twenty-one year span of life. I knew I could do it, but I do recognize that I had help along the way.
My faith is what carried me through all of this mess, and that is exactly what it was, a chaotic and self-imposed mess full of misery, heartbreak, lies, and deceit. I was so down trodden, but through prayer I was able to ask for exactly what I needed to get me through the day. In the past, I would have not taken the time to even deal with myself long enough to even recognize that I was hurt, but that is something that I refuse to do to myself ever again. Instead of wallowing in my own sorrows and not enjoying the happiness that has been afforded to me by God, I would force myself into isolation and eliminate any and all communication about my true feelings about anything. I realize that I do not have to do that anymore. I can pray, and when I do, my worries, cares, fears, and apprehensions will be washed away (that is why I love the rain). It does not make sense, but it makes perfect sense, at least to me that is. I am a man of faith; faith is what I choose to believe in. Faith is what has brought me through this seemingly never ending depression, and faith is what will carry me to the next level of joy and happiness. I am thankful for faith because it can never be valid or logical. If it was, somebody would have a better argument for it based on false notions of truth that would only leave me dazed and confused because of all the contradictions that would aries. This world is already confusing enough, I do not need for something that I truly believe to be confusing as well - now that would be depressing.
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