Will You Help Me?

It is sad that I have to leave home so soon, but I know that the adventure that I am about to embark will be well worth it...

As I sit in the computer and contemplate, I am immediately frustrated by all that is needed to be a functional human being in society, let's say, a car for instance. Currently, my cousin (who I love dearly) is using my vehicle, but his phone is dead, and we are unable to contact him. As a result, I am unable to complete certain tasks in the order that I felt was most appropriate. And then I thought to myself about how many other people do not have a car, and, in most cases, have to resort to public transit. But what about those who do not have access to public transit or are unable to obtain "a ride" from one of their friends? This is confounding to me. It is almost impossible to get things done if one does not have transportation. But of greater concern is the fact that stagnation begins to replace action, limiting one's sense of accomplishment.

When my plans were fuddled, my immediate reaction was to do nothing. I just wanted to sit down and relax, which is fine because I do not have that much to do. But if my whole day would have been centered around whether or not I could go to one place to the next, on time, I am sure the effects would have been a lot worse. Doing nothing for a few hours is okay, but such behavior can be very detrimental to one's life if doing nothing all day for long stretches of a time becomes habitual. It is hard to break a habit, and if one is accustomed to not having to do anything, it will certainly take a considerable amount of time before that person is fully functional again.

With that said, I feel that people who are unable to procure work or do anything productive during the day are treated as outcast. It takes time to break habits. I would not expect for somebody who was recently released from prison to have their entire life together within a few weeks, or even months for that matter, that is expecting too much. I try my best to do the right thing as much as possible, but even I need an encouraging and uplifting message that will inspire me to do better diurnally. Nobody is perfect. We all need help, so today I am making it a prerogative to help as many people as I can.

And wouldn't you know, my cousin has arrived.

Thoughts

I did this once before when I was trying to fall asleep -- articulating my thoughts -- but right now I feel that time has to come to do so once more.

1. I love my family. All of what I am and have become is a result of the love and support that my family has given me.

2. Home is where the heart is. This is a proverbial saying, I know, but it is one that I have come to understand the meaning and value of. After conquering what I deemed as the Summer of Truth, being home has allowed me to synthesize my thoughts. and now I have a much clearer understanding of where I've been, where I am, and where I am going.

3. Nelson Mandela's story epitomizes the strength of the "struggle" -- the oppressed versus the oppressors. There are a number of factors that hinder the people from achieving the desires of the heart, but with strong and durable leaders, like Mandela, anything is possible.

4. Education enhances life experience, and as a result, I have determined that I will complete my phd -- I am still unsure to the specific field of study that I will pursuit, but by the time I am 30, I am hoping to have the privilege to be addressed as "Dr. Michael Roulhac."

5. The world is an evil place, full of corruption, deceit, and lies, but it is this type of mindset that limits our progress as a people. If we want the world to be a better place, we must affirm all that is right within the world. I am still convinced that there is more good in the world than there is evil.

6. I have learned to habituate myself to the effects of motivation. I am inspired by certain people, places, or events or semi-consistent basis, but after the euphoria of the moment dissipates, I used to loose the motivation needed to actualize my potential -- not any more. Daily motivation is what I live for.

7. I am so disgusted with our political system. This is a obvious statement, but party alignments have taken precedence over the needs of the people. The people are the backbone of this country, and if their needs are not addressed but rather an ambiguous ideal of what it means to be Republican or Democratic, we have officially have a problem.

8. I am leaving for South Africa next Wednesday. I have immersed myself in cultures drastically different from the one I am accustomed to, but all of these have been under the umbrella of American ideals. South Africa will be a completely new experience, one that will expand my understanding of self and the world. I can't wait.

9. Relationships are the foundation of the society. We are relational creatures, so I firmly believe that the more healthy relationships one has, the higher sense of worth, fulfillment, and love they will feel.

10. Love cannot be measured, it just is.

We Are One

A poem that I wrote some time ago, but given the motivation and inspiration I received from people, such as Colin Powell, Steve Forbes, and Bill Cosby, today, I feel that it is an appropriate time to post it. Plus, I have not posted enough poems. I have somewhat lost my muse to write poetry, but I am sure it will return soon enough. And when it does, you will know this time around. Peace.


(03.05.11)

I just don't understand why my heart cries out so fiercely. I am I addicted to the pain? No, but the pain is necessary. It is a necessary cause of action for an unwanted and destructing vice.

I cannot help but to fall in love. If I see something I want, I pursuit it. The devil does not want me to have the desires of my heart. He would rather deceive me with bodily pleasures, but he cannot. What he does not realize is that with experience comes understanding.

But I was foolish. My heart was not happy, it was in pain, excruciating beyond measure. But I deceived myself. I mistook the pain for pleasure. We all do. The heart does not desire what will only work to destroy it. The heart seeks fortification, so let us fortify. We shall not succumb to the lies, the deceit, and the ensuing transgressions. Such courses of action will remain incommensurate to who and what we are. We are human first, and the only real communication that we are afforded is that of the heart, our spirit, our essence, our being. We are one.

Frustration and Jubilation

So, of course when I tried to post a video blog (my first, yay!), the initial video was interrupted -- my phone died. I was able to finish my thought process, but when I attempted to import the video to my notebook, my computer was unable to recognize the format of the first video. But I am determined to post a video, and even though I am unable to show my complete train of thought, I still feel that the last section is worthwhile. So, without further adieu I present to you (drumroll please)... My first video blog!

All I Need Is You

It all roams around and I can't make sense of it. I search for an answer and it doesn't come when I need it most. I love the moment, but I still want to escape. Look at me at my eyes and tell me you don't feel the same way? How could you not understand all that I have to offer? I am so frustrated by the circumstance, my soul cries out and the deception corrodes my sanity. I loose all feeling and fall. But when I awake, I know it's going to be a new opportunity to find you. You are out there, and I promise to give you my all, but I cannot find you. Everything is going so well, but without you in my life I feel empty -- a void that can only be filled by your presence, your touch, your kiss.

Please accept me. I have searched for so long, and I do not want to talk about the trivial things anymore. There is so much that we do not know about each other, and we can never know everything, so let's not waste time. I want you, you want me, so let's be together. Forever, me and you will conquer the world. I love you with all my heart, but I cannot profess my feelings to you. Do you understand the circumstance now? I am full of love and affection, understanding and compassion, but they all tell me I cannot tell you what I want to.

I have dreams about you. Me and you together, surviving through the vicissitudes of life and still remaining true to one another. All of what feels so right is always wrong, but with you there can be no other possibility. I will walk with you, talk with you, keep you close to my heart for all eternity. Everything is so right, all I need is you.

The Ability to Move Forward

This morning was a wreck. I did not sleep properly, and instead of drinking "caffeinated" coffee, I unknowingly consumed decaf. Who in their right mind invented decaf? Here I am thinking that if I just drink a cup of coffee I should be fine. Nope. To me, the cup of decaf made me feel worse; it was just sad. But I do realize that I need at least an hour or so, if not two hours to prepare myself before I delve into any kind of work. If I am not given these two hours, I become moody, I do not want to talk, and my rationality goes out the window. And for me not to want to speak is extraordinary. I always want to talk, it is just a matter if someone is willing to listen. So, if you ever need to know if I am not doing well, just observe how much I  am talking. I can go for hours, especially if the subject is something I am passionate about. But wait, I am getting off topic, oh well. I think my generation truly is the distracted generation. How could we not be with some much information that is readily accessible, not to mention social media websites, such as Twitter and Facebook. I thought Facebook was ridiculously fast as compared to Myspace, but Twitter gives a whole new meaning to instant connection. You can literally be in the moment of someone else's life; it is incredible! Okay, let me calm down for a moment, and address the topic at hand.

My day did improve. At around 11:00am or so, I finally felt like myself again.

Another thing I noticed was the fact that I began to doubt my own abilities when I was not fully awake and ready. It was quite terrifying. I started to feel as if all I had done this past week was a complete waste of time. I found myself not wanting to learn more about the world, and I honestly wanted to quit, just drop everything and leave. I am just happy that I was able to recognize that this was not something I needed to worry about. I just needed to give my brain some time before it was fully functional. I used to think it was possible to leap out of the bed, go to class, and be fully aware of what was going on. That is a lie. Some people might be able to do it, but not me. I do not sleep, I hibernate (Yes, like a bear). I need time to get the brain juices flowing. If I don't, then I might as well go back to sleep because I will be physically present, but my mind will be absent. This morning could have been a complete disaster if I had succumbed to the doubt, but I know myself well enough to recognize the issue within as soon as it arises, at least in most cases. I am not one of those types of people, at least not anymore, that dwells on certain issues for days, weeks, months, and even years at a time. Again, I did once before, but I have learned my lesson, the hard way of course. I will say that I am happy that I learned it at such a young age (I'm only 21, whew!). I think there are plenty of adults who do not have the courage to "let go." This is mere speculation on my part, but I think that there is some truth to this statement.

 I have noticed this quality in myself and others around me. Sometimes I find myself saying, "Oh, only if I had not injured my knee during my senior year of high school I could have went to play football at Boise State or only if I had known the value of education in the past I could have went to Harvard, Princeton, or Stanford." As I stated last night, there is nothing that I can do about the past, so I should not worry about what I cannot change. I am here in the now, so I should learn from the past, and not let it be the death of me. This is only possible because I have taken a significant amount of time in college, particularly this past year, to get to know myself. This does not mitigate the sting of the truth, however. As I wrote about not knowing the value of education, I recognized that there were people who tried to inform of its importance, my grandma, my God rest her soul, especially. She kept telling me to read, to write, to not take my education for granted -- did I listen, what do you think? It is humorous now, but when I think back to all the advice I received at a young age about how to live a successful and fulfilled life, it is frankly quite annoying to think I was so unwilling to listen to my elders. Here I am at the tender age of 8 not listening to my grandma, who had seen more than a day than I had seen in a lifetime. Such a mistake, if only I had accepted the truth, but, as I said earlier, I cannot dwell on the past. At this point, all I can do is recognize my mistakes and move forward.

It's Not About Me

I am not sure if I should be concerned about my irregular sleeping patterns as of late or if I should continue to do what I do best, learn. I know that I have had apprehensions in the past about not receiving the correct amount of sleep, but something has changed.

After learning so much at the ILI, and then coupling that experience with the Institute for Professional Development, I feel that it is time to expand my horizons once more. There is so much that I want to do in life, but in the past I purposely limited myself out of fear of doing too much. I thought that if I tried to learn too much, I would overwhelm myself, which is simply not true at all.

For years, I have been jealous of my peers who seemed, and still seem, vastly more educated than me. Yes, I do have significant life experience, but I want to learn about any and everything. And it has always been frustrating to see that my peers know so much when I know so little, at least from an intellectual standpoint. But instead of doing more to close this gap, I continued to complain. I did take time to learn, but if the information was outside of the school curriculum, it was unimportant to me. I always believed that so much of what was being published was irrelevant to my life. How could I not the circumstances of my life did not correlate at all?

I am ashamed to admit this, but my negative attitude toward education stemmed from the simple fact that I could not understand the information that was being presented to me. I would complete all of the assigned readings, do my homework, write the papers, ask millions of questions, and make excellent grades, but it was all to no avail because I was unable to see the big picture, which limited my ability to make any significant connections with whatever text I was investigating. I would search endlessly for relevancy, sometimes literally working myself to death trying to find an answer.

 During my sophomore year, I remember pulling multiple all nighters, despite the fact that I would have football practice, class, and meetings the next day. There was one research paper in particular that frustrated me beyond belief. I was close to completing seven pages when suddenly my computer started to malfunction. And did I save my progress? Nope.

 I was miserable. It had seemed that all of my hard work had amounted to nothing. I wanted to cry right then and there. I literally had to stop myself from destroying the study area of Milliken. Luckily, I had a friend there, an older classmate, that helped me to regain my focus. But then it was decision time: do I stay up till the sun rises (mind you it was close to 4:00am) or do I go to bed? My thought process: go to sleep? No way, I need to finish this paper now. And I did, but I still wasn't satisfied. I earned an "A" on the paper, which I was proud of, but I felt that I had nothing to show for it. All of the information was still so scattered. The connections were beginning to formulate, but I had not reached a level of firm understanding. It felt as if I was merely collecting the information, but I continued to search. I just knew that a time would come when all of what I had learned and experienced would finally make sense.

That time has arrived. When I read through articles in the newspaper, watch movies, listen to people talk, or analyze my own thoughts I am able to connect with the world. This is what learning is all about - making connections within the world, so that it becomes easier to understand my purpose in life. But due to the excitement of learning so much at one time, I cannot sleep. I don't want to sleep to be honest. I know I need sleep, but it might not be as much as I originally thought. I feel great, and I am healthy. There are plenty of people who need 8-10 hours of sleep, but I am fine with 5 or 6. It is not as if I wake up dysfunctional  after only receiving 5 hours of rest. I am still quite capable of performing all that I need to do. And even when I do feel a little fatigued, a cup of coffee -- but never more than one per day -- keeps me alive and ready.

I have literally tried to tire myself out by doing ridiculous amounts of physical activity, but even that does not seem to work. Finding a balance is a difficult task, but something that I am slowly starting to realize about myself is that I do not need as much sleep as the average person. Really, I just want to learn, and anytime that I am not learning, I feel as if it is a waste of time. But who knows? Maybe this is just another phase that I am experimenting with and am too deeply involved to realize that it is a detriment to me. I have done that before, too many times quite frankly. But this time it feels right.

 As opposed to past experiences with not getting enough sleep, I do not wake up or go through the day upset. I feel alive and well. Question: how exactly does someone feel alive? Well, for me it is a matter of embracing the opportunities that I have to learn, understand, and accept the people around me. If not, I limit myself to my own perspective, not taking advantage of the eternal wisdom that, I believe, resides in all of us. To be alive is absorb this knowledge, wisdom, and understanding, and then sharing it with others, so that they can develop ways to improve their own lives.

Sleep? Who needs it. How can I sleep when I am so inspired by the people. It is not about me, it's about we!