In the past, I was skeptical about posting my religious convictions on-line, but Faith is all that I have in this world. There is a strong tendency to assess whether or not an argument or proposition is valid or logical. Can anything be logical or valid? For instance, with validity, if the premises of the statement are true, then it necessarily follows that the conclusion is true as well. I know that I have not articulated that as well as I should have, but the point is clear: Truth is based on "if." And if this is be the case, how can we ever know anything? Truth is not objective, it is, and will always be, subjective. We cannot discern the truth for ourselves unless we impose some type of standard or convention on what we are analyzing that is ultimately arbitrary. We will never know the truth about anything, so why is there always such a fight about who is wrong or who is right. As Imannuel Kant once stipulated, "The World is What We Make It (Again, I apologize for not being fully aware of Kant's actual statement, this is only my interpretation)." We make God. All of what we know about God is based on subjective experience, it does not mean that he does not necessarily exist, but we can never know the Truth (Yes, with a capital "T") of his nature. Yet that has not stopped us from invoking his name for different causes of human atrocity. It seems that everybody does it. "God, please guide us and protect us as we go to another country and kill innocent people!" Yes, this is the spell that we are under. We believe that nature of God is possible to know, and to make matters worse, we deem ourselves as the protectors of the great wisdom and knowledge of God. Nobody, in my opinion, has a monopoly on the knowledge of God. I thought that God was infinite, meaning all of what he (I use he because of the paternal relationship that is expressed through Christianity) knows, says, or does can never be known to us because such knowledge is incomprehensible. The whole idea about infinity is that there are no limits; yet we seem to have imposed limits on God arbitrarily. Why? Why do we kill each other in the name of God? Why do we hate others who do not believe in God? Why do we blame everything on God when our life crumbles right before us? Why? Why? Why? It does not make any sense to me. I try to think about it logically, I read through different philosophers, like Leibniz, Newton, Descartes, and many others, to come up with the best argument to explain these abhorrent contradictions, but I am not able. I will never be able. I want to know so badly, I feel as if I can never be whole until I know the answer, and I am sure that I am not the first person on this earth to have felt this way. I am lost; I am confused, and I am angry, but what gives me the greatest peace of mind is my faith. Faith is not logical; it cannot be analyzed and put up on a pedestal. Faith just is, which explains my deep connection to God and religion (all of which is subjective). Because I choose to believe in the power of faith, I am constantly reassured that I will be able to maintain my spirit, while persevering through any obstacle that might in encounter.
The last six weeks of my life have been enveloped by depression. There was a so many things going awry that I did not think that I would be able to survive. A lot of times I did not want to wake up for fear that I will stumble through another day, intoxicated by the confusion that was my life. I was so sick that I honestly believed that I might die. My mind, my body, and my soul had been torn to pieces, but it was something that I could not escape. My mom was incarcerated, cigarettes had taken away my once incredible physique, and I could not decipher my feelings about past and present loves. I was an emotional wreck. I wanted to make myself feel better by working out, but I was so unmotivated to do so because I realized how far I had deviated from the path of physical fitness. I was not eating properly; I was starving myself to death. I was down to 170 lbs, and I had not weighed that amount since my first couple of years of high school. I had convinced myself that by eating less that I did not need to work out because I was "watching what I ate." I hated myself. I would look in the mirror and just wonder what had happened. I was so happy for a such a long period of time, and I honestly believed that everything that I was doing to myself would help to make me a better person (which it eventually did), but I did not want to acknowledge the consequences of my detrimental actions. She was there to listen, but not ready to reciprocate my feelings. The other I could not call because I was not ready to recognize how much of a savior she had been to me during the lowest points of my life, the zenith of my anguish. All of this was crushing down on me slowly, and when I finally submitted to the pain, I then had to realize how much damage I had done to myself by not expressing how I felt about all of what was going on. I believed that all of what I was doing was so FUN. Drink, smoke and have sex, yeah that is they key to liberation. No, not at all, at least not for me. I was miserable! But I do not regret my actions, they have made me stronger. I now know that I can persevere because it is no longer an action, but a habit that I have developed over my short twenty-one year span of life. I knew I could do it, but I do recognize that I had help along the way.
My faith is what carried me through all of this mess, and that is exactly what it was, a chaotic and self-imposed mess full of misery, heartbreak, lies, and deceit. I was so down trodden, but through prayer I was able to ask for exactly what I needed to get me through the day. In the past, I would have not taken the time to even deal with myself long enough to even recognize that I was hurt, but that is something that I refuse to do to myself ever again. Instead of wallowing in my own sorrows and not enjoying the happiness that has been afforded to me by God, I would force myself into isolation and eliminate any and all communication about my true feelings about anything. I realize that I do not have to do that anymore. I can pray, and when I do, my worries, cares, fears, and apprehensions will be washed away (that is why I love the rain). It does not make sense, but it makes perfect sense, at least to me that is. I am a man of faith; faith is what I choose to believe in. Faith is what has brought me through this seemingly never ending depression, and faith is what will carry me to the next level of joy and happiness. I am thankful for faith because it can never be valid or logical. If it was, somebody would have a better argument for it based on false notions of truth that would only leave me dazed and confused because of all the contradictions that would aries. This world is already confusing enough, I do not need for something that I truly believe to be confusing as well - now that would be depressing.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Who Will Cry With Me?
I wrote this piece a few days ago, but I think that it is appropriate to post it after "Love Sharpens," please enjoy!
(06.19.11)
Who will cry with me?
All of this seems so intense, at times I really do not know what to do, but I am gradually improving everyday. I now know the meaning of love, and it feels great. When I wake up, I feel as if I have something to really live for, but it is deeper than just the girl. She is the fire that kindles my soul, restoring the passion that I once had for life in such a way that I am one with the wind, the birds, the trees, nature. I can hear the song of the bird on the windowsill, and he tells me to hold on, so that is what I will do. The fireflies dance in the cool summer breeze, while the trees blow in the wind majestically waiting for the rain to kiss their leaves, restoring them to a new and wonderful phase of life. This is the passion that I have. The words use to escape me, but now they flow without hesitation. I am so proud that I have finally arrived. But again, I owe it to her. If this be the case though, why is it that I still try to deny my love for her, attempting to implant that love in others? That is exactly what they are to me. I am the blade of grass that stands alone, but the weeds grow around me, attempting to force me back down to the ground. Is the ground safe or will it mean that I sink back into the darkness? What am I suppose to do when I cannot see her? How about you tell me the truth, can you do it? You always have something to say about my relationships, but you are not even here to tell me the truth about myself. So not only do I not have her, I do not have you as well. Both guidance and support are gone, and I am left with only me. I can only cry when I know that you can hear me, but your voice has been muted by your own fate, a mistake that has devastated me once again. How come you did this to me when I needed you most? Did I not share my heart with you, how could you do this? Answer me! You cannot, so regress...
The mood has shifted, and with the loss of my only guidance, I continue to search for support more than ever. She is so close, but yet so far. I can feel her breathing life into me, making me whole when I feel so broken. But the strength alludes me. All we can do is sharpen, but that process is so painful. I feel better each day, but I know that I will slip and fall. I will cry, but only on the inside, and you will not even be able to see me. Please come back to me, I need you right now. I cannot go on a moment longer without you. I write letters to you that I do not intend to send, but what is the use if I am never going to see you again. I love you,
No!
Your name will not be mentioned. I cannot do that to myself. Every time I say it, I feel such a passionate release, but I will not expose myself this time. This time it will remain a secret, but only for as long as you continue to be out of my presence. When I see you, the secret will be eliminated from the depths of my soul. No more trying, only action, if need be, I will cry alone, but I have to ask, won't you cry with me?
(06.19.11)
Who will cry with me?
All of this seems so intense, at times I really do not know what to do, but I am gradually improving everyday. I now know the meaning of love, and it feels great. When I wake up, I feel as if I have something to really live for, but it is deeper than just the girl. She is the fire that kindles my soul, restoring the passion that I once had for life in such a way that I am one with the wind, the birds, the trees, nature. I can hear the song of the bird on the windowsill, and he tells me to hold on, so that is what I will do. The fireflies dance in the cool summer breeze, while the trees blow in the wind majestically waiting for the rain to kiss their leaves, restoring them to a new and wonderful phase of life. This is the passion that I have. The words use to escape me, but now they flow without hesitation. I am so proud that I have finally arrived. But again, I owe it to her. If this be the case though, why is it that I still try to deny my love for her, attempting to implant that love in others? That is exactly what they are to me. I am the blade of grass that stands alone, but the weeds grow around me, attempting to force me back down to the ground. Is the ground safe or will it mean that I sink back into the darkness? What am I suppose to do when I cannot see her? How about you tell me the truth, can you do it? You always have something to say about my relationships, but you are not even here to tell me the truth about myself. So not only do I not have her, I do not have you as well. Both guidance and support are gone, and I am left with only me. I can only cry when I know that you can hear me, but your voice has been muted by your own fate, a mistake that has devastated me once again. How come you did this to me when I needed you most? Did I not share my heart with you, how could you do this? Answer me! You cannot, so regress...
The mood has shifted, and with the loss of my only guidance, I continue to search for support more than ever. She is so close, but yet so far. I can feel her breathing life into me, making me whole when I feel so broken. But the strength alludes me. All we can do is sharpen, but that process is so painful. I feel better each day, but I know that I will slip and fall. I will cry, but only on the inside, and you will not even be able to see me. Please come back to me, I need you right now. I cannot go on a moment longer without you. I write letters to you that I do not intend to send, but what is the use if I am never going to see you again. I love you,
No!
Your name will not be mentioned. I cannot do that to myself. Every time I say it, I feel such a passionate release, but I will not expose myself this time. This time it will remain a secret, but only for as long as you continue to be out of my presence. When I see you, the secret will be eliminated from the depths of my soul. No more trying, only action, if need be, I will cry alone, but I have to ask, won't you cry with me?
Love Sharpens
This is a poem I wrote to a friend today; it was an attempt to discover what it means to say that distance sharpens love...
When we are together are souls are connected as one, I lose myself within your smile and I am reassured that everything is going to be alright. Your touch sets my soul on fire, I know that giving myself over to the flesh is wrong, but it feels so right with you. Focus. But now you are about to leave, why will you not stay with me? I thought that our love was true, but maybe I was deceived. I miss you already and yet you are still right in front of me. Focus! The pain is unbearable, we are now seperated and there is nothing that can guide us other than pure emotion. You are alone, I am alone, but we are still together. When I peer into the night sky, I see you as the bright and shining that stands alone, brighter than all the rest. My love for you is never quite adequate and the distance only increases the pain. Your touch is what I yearn for more than anything, but I know that I cannot have it. Our love is sharpened. Each day it improves, but only when we see each other again do I know its true. Each day is proof that we are meant to be together, but until I can feel you next to me, the pain of what I feel for you will only continue to increase. I love you more than you will ever know, but I know that this is the time for our love to grow.
When we are together are souls are connected as one, I lose myself within your smile and I am reassured that everything is going to be alright. Your touch sets my soul on fire, I know that giving myself over to the flesh is wrong, but it feels so right with you. Focus. But now you are about to leave, why will you not stay with me? I thought that our love was true, but maybe I was deceived. I miss you already and yet you are still right in front of me. Focus! The pain is unbearable, we are now seperated and there is nothing that can guide us other than pure emotion. You are alone, I am alone, but we are still together. When I peer into the night sky, I see you as the bright and shining that stands alone, brighter than all the rest. My love for you is never quite adequate and the distance only increases the pain. Your touch is what I yearn for more than anything, but I know that I cannot have it. Our love is sharpened. Each day it improves, but only when we see each other again do I know its true. Each day is proof that we are meant to be together, but until I can feel you next to me, the pain of what I feel for you will only continue to increase. I love you more than you will ever know, but I know that this is the time for our love to grow.
How I Feel
My life is a continual and persistent search for meaning, and, a lot of times, it seems that the meaning of particular situations, that I find myself on a daily basis, escapes me, which is extraordinarily frustrating. Yet I have discovered that through writing, I am afforded the opportunity to give the events of my life the meaning that I want to give them. Otherwise, all of what happens in my life will be based on another person's opinion, which is fine for a certain period of time because I do like to try new things. Eventually, however, I discover that what might work for one person does not necessarily work for me. I am a hard worker, and if there is something that I enjoy for a certain period of time that I think will bring me greater success, I will try my best to test the limits of that particular ideology until I cannot bear the burden of the lie that I am ultimately telling myself. I know a lot of this sounds pretty intense, but this is how I discover answers for myself; it is how I give life meaning. Without such methods, I would be lost, stumbling for one place to the other without the ability to think for myself. I would rather believe in something wrong than to not believe in anything at all. Faith is what makes me stronger, so I do everything I can to fortify my faith everyday. There is hardly ever a moment when I am not questioning what is going on. I do lose myself completely to the moment when a great conversation is taking place; yet this is one of the only times that my mind is free. Otherwise, I am constantly mulling over thoughts, opinions, ideas, philosophies, strategies, and beliefs from myself and others. All of this to say that I am searching for something real. If what I am doing, writing, or saying does not feel right, then I become ashamed of that action, and by writing as much as I can about what is going on in my life, I am better able to discern the right answers for myself. For me, writing is liberation in every sense of the word, the shackles of both mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual slavery are shattered when my thoughts begin to flow onto the page.
Before I matriculated to Wofford College, I was completely aware of the world around me (at least in most cases, definitely not all). I knew that there was an enigma that needed to be solved, but I just did not have the education to express myself in a lucid and coherent manner. However, now that I have significant life experience coupled with a fine liberal arts education (thank you Wofford) to match, I feel as if there is nothing that I cannot conquer. There world is literally my playing field. And each day I prepare myself to learn about as many of the mysteries of this strange and wonderful place that I can. This blog has been a long time coming, but I finally feel ready to communicate my feelings and thoughts, no matter how deep they might be, to other people who choose to follow my life story.
Before I matriculated to Wofford College, I was completely aware of the world around me (at least in most cases, definitely not all). I knew that there was an enigma that needed to be solved, but I just did not have the education to express myself in a lucid and coherent manner. However, now that I have significant life experience coupled with a fine liberal arts education (thank you Wofford) to match, I feel as if there is nothing that I cannot conquer. There world is literally my playing field. And each day I prepare myself to learn about as many of the mysteries of this strange and wonderful place that I can. This blog has been a long time coming, but I finally feel ready to communicate my feelings and thoughts, no matter how deep they might be, to other people who choose to follow my life story.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)