Will You Help Me?

It is sad that I have to leave home so soon, but I know that the adventure that I am about to embark will be well worth it...

As I sit in the computer and contemplate, I am immediately frustrated by all that is needed to be a functional human being in society, let's say, a car for instance. Currently, my cousin (who I love dearly) is using my vehicle, but his phone is dead, and we are unable to contact him. As a result, I am unable to complete certain tasks in the order that I felt was most appropriate. And then I thought to myself about how many other people do not have a car, and, in most cases, have to resort to public transit. But what about those who do not have access to public transit or are unable to obtain "a ride" from one of their friends? This is confounding to me. It is almost impossible to get things done if one does not have transportation. But of greater concern is the fact that stagnation begins to replace action, limiting one's sense of accomplishment.

When my plans were fuddled, my immediate reaction was to do nothing. I just wanted to sit down and relax, which is fine because I do not have that much to do. But if my whole day would have been centered around whether or not I could go to one place to the next, on time, I am sure the effects would have been a lot worse. Doing nothing for a few hours is okay, but such behavior can be very detrimental to one's life if doing nothing all day for long stretches of a time becomes habitual. It is hard to break a habit, and if one is accustomed to not having to do anything, it will certainly take a considerable amount of time before that person is fully functional again.

With that said, I feel that people who are unable to procure work or do anything productive during the day are treated as outcast. It takes time to break habits. I would not expect for somebody who was recently released from prison to have their entire life together within a few weeks, or even months for that matter, that is expecting too much. I try my best to do the right thing as much as possible, but even I need an encouraging and uplifting message that will inspire me to do better diurnally. Nobody is perfect. We all need help, so today I am making it a prerogative to help as many people as I can.

And wouldn't you know, my cousin has arrived.

Thoughts

I did this once before when I was trying to fall asleep -- articulating my thoughts -- but right now I feel that time has to come to do so once more.

1. I love my family. All of what I am and have become is a result of the love and support that my family has given me.

2. Home is where the heart is. This is a proverbial saying, I know, but it is one that I have come to understand the meaning and value of. After conquering what I deemed as the Summer of Truth, being home has allowed me to synthesize my thoughts. and now I have a much clearer understanding of where I've been, where I am, and where I am going.

3. Nelson Mandela's story epitomizes the strength of the "struggle" -- the oppressed versus the oppressors. There are a number of factors that hinder the people from achieving the desires of the heart, but with strong and durable leaders, like Mandela, anything is possible.

4. Education enhances life experience, and as a result, I have determined that I will complete my phd -- I am still unsure to the specific field of study that I will pursuit, but by the time I am 30, I am hoping to have the privilege to be addressed as "Dr. Michael Roulhac."

5. The world is an evil place, full of corruption, deceit, and lies, but it is this type of mindset that limits our progress as a people. If we want the world to be a better place, we must affirm all that is right within the world. I am still convinced that there is more good in the world than there is evil.

6. I have learned to habituate myself to the effects of motivation. I am inspired by certain people, places, or events or semi-consistent basis, but after the euphoria of the moment dissipates, I used to loose the motivation needed to actualize my potential -- not any more. Daily motivation is what I live for.

7. I am so disgusted with our political system. This is a obvious statement, but party alignments have taken precedence over the needs of the people. The people are the backbone of this country, and if their needs are not addressed but rather an ambiguous ideal of what it means to be Republican or Democratic, we have officially have a problem.

8. I am leaving for South Africa next Wednesday. I have immersed myself in cultures drastically different from the one I am accustomed to, but all of these have been under the umbrella of American ideals. South Africa will be a completely new experience, one that will expand my understanding of self and the world. I can't wait.

9. Relationships are the foundation of the society. We are relational creatures, so I firmly believe that the more healthy relationships one has, the higher sense of worth, fulfillment, and love they will feel.

10. Love cannot be measured, it just is.

We Are One

A poem that I wrote some time ago, but given the motivation and inspiration I received from people, such as Colin Powell, Steve Forbes, and Bill Cosby, today, I feel that it is an appropriate time to post it. Plus, I have not posted enough poems. I have somewhat lost my muse to write poetry, but I am sure it will return soon enough. And when it does, you will know this time around. Peace.


(03.05.11)

I just don't understand why my heart cries out so fiercely. I am I addicted to the pain? No, but the pain is necessary. It is a necessary cause of action for an unwanted and destructing vice.

I cannot help but to fall in love. If I see something I want, I pursuit it. The devil does not want me to have the desires of my heart. He would rather deceive me with bodily pleasures, but he cannot. What he does not realize is that with experience comes understanding.

But I was foolish. My heart was not happy, it was in pain, excruciating beyond measure. But I deceived myself. I mistook the pain for pleasure. We all do. The heart does not desire what will only work to destroy it. The heart seeks fortification, so let us fortify. We shall not succumb to the lies, the deceit, and the ensuing transgressions. Such courses of action will remain incommensurate to who and what we are. We are human first, and the only real communication that we are afforded is that of the heart, our spirit, our essence, our being. We are one.

Frustration and Jubilation

So, of course when I tried to post a video blog (my first, yay!), the initial video was interrupted -- my phone died. I was able to finish my thought process, but when I attempted to import the video to my notebook, my computer was unable to recognize the format of the first video. But I am determined to post a video, and even though I am unable to show my complete train of thought, I still feel that the last section is worthwhile. So, without further adieu I present to you (drumroll please)... My first video blog!

All I Need Is You

It all roams around and I can't make sense of it. I search for an answer and it doesn't come when I need it most. I love the moment, but I still want to escape. Look at me at my eyes and tell me you don't feel the same way? How could you not understand all that I have to offer? I am so frustrated by the circumstance, my soul cries out and the deception corrodes my sanity. I loose all feeling and fall. But when I awake, I know it's going to be a new opportunity to find you. You are out there, and I promise to give you my all, but I cannot find you. Everything is going so well, but without you in my life I feel empty -- a void that can only be filled by your presence, your touch, your kiss.

Please accept me. I have searched for so long, and I do not want to talk about the trivial things anymore. There is so much that we do not know about each other, and we can never know everything, so let's not waste time. I want you, you want me, so let's be together. Forever, me and you will conquer the world. I love you with all my heart, but I cannot profess my feelings to you. Do you understand the circumstance now? I am full of love and affection, understanding and compassion, but they all tell me I cannot tell you what I want to.

I have dreams about you. Me and you together, surviving through the vicissitudes of life and still remaining true to one another. All of what feels so right is always wrong, but with you there can be no other possibility. I will walk with you, talk with you, keep you close to my heart for all eternity. Everything is so right, all I need is you.

The Ability to Move Forward

This morning was a wreck. I did not sleep properly, and instead of drinking "caffeinated" coffee, I unknowingly consumed decaf. Who in their right mind invented decaf? Here I am thinking that if I just drink a cup of coffee I should be fine. Nope. To me, the cup of decaf made me feel worse; it was just sad. But I do realize that I need at least an hour or so, if not two hours to prepare myself before I delve into any kind of work. If I am not given these two hours, I become moody, I do not want to talk, and my rationality goes out the window. And for me not to want to speak is extraordinary. I always want to talk, it is just a matter if someone is willing to listen. So, if you ever need to know if I am not doing well, just observe how much I  am talking. I can go for hours, especially if the subject is something I am passionate about. But wait, I am getting off topic, oh well. I think my generation truly is the distracted generation. How could we not be with some much information that is readily accessible, not to mention social media websites, such as Twitter and Facebook. I thought Facebook was ridiculously fast as compared to Myspace, but Twitter gives a whole new meaning to instant connection. You can literally be in the moment of someone else's life; it is incredible! Okay, let me calm down for a moment, and address the topic at hand.

My day did improve. At around 11:00am or so, I finally felt like myself again.

Another thing I noticed was the fact that I began to doubt my own abilities when I was not fully awake and ready. It was quite terrifying. I started to feel as if all I had done this past week was a complete waste of time. I found myself not wanting to learn more about the world, and I honestly wanted to quit, just drop everything and leave. I am just happy that I was able to recognize that this was not something I needed to worry about. I just needed to give my brain some time before it was fully functional. I used to think it was possible to leap out of the bed, go to class, and be fully aware of what was going on. That is a lie. Some people might be able to do it, but not me. I do not sleep, I hibernate (Yes, like a bear). I need time to get the brain juices flowing. If I don't, then I might as well go back to sleep because I will be physically present, but my mind will be absent. This morning could have been a complete disaster if I had succumbed to the doubt, but I know myself well enough to recognize the issue within as soon as it arises, at least in most cases. I am not one of those types of people, at least not anymore, that dwells on certain issues for days, weeks, months, and even years at a time. Again, I did once before, but I have learned my lesson, the hard way of course. I will say that I am happy that I learned it at such a young age (I'm only 21, whew!). I think there are plenty of adults who do not have the courage to "let go." This is mere speculation on my part, but I think that there is some truth to this statement.

 I have noticed this quality in myself and others around me. Sometimes I find myself saying, "Oh, only if I had not injured my knee during my senior year of high school I could have went to play football at Boise State or only if I had known the value of education in the past I could have went to Harvard, Princeton, or Stanford." As I stated last night, there is nothing that I can do about the past, so I should not worry about what I cannot change. I am here in the now, so I should learn from the past, and not let it be the death of me. This is only possible because I have taken a significant amount of time in college, particularly this past year, to get to know myself. This does not mitigate the sting of the truth, however. As I wrote about not knowing the value of education, I recognized that there were people who tried to inform of its importance, my grandma, my God rest her soul, especially. She kept telling me to read, to write, to not take my education for granted -- did I listen, what do you think? It is humorous now, but when I think back to all the advice I received at a young age about how to live a successful and fulfilled life, it is frankly quite annoying to think I was so unwilling to listen to my elders. Here I am at the tender age of 8 not listening to my grandma, who had seen more than a day than I had seen in a lifetime. Such a mistake, if only I had accepted the truth, but, as I said earlier, I cannot dwell on the past. At this point, all I can do is recognize my mistakes and move forward.

It's Not About Me

I am not sure if I should be concerned about my irregular sleeping patterns as of late or if I should continue to do what I do best, learn. I know that I have had apprehensions in the past about not receiving the correct amount of sleep, but something has changed.

After learning so much at the ILI, and then coupling that experience with the Institute for Professional Development, I feel that it is time to expand my horizons once more. There is so much that I want to do in life, but in the past I purposely limited myself out of fear of doing too much. I thought that if I tried to learn too much, I would overwhelm myself, which is simply not true at all.

For years, I have been jealous of my peers who seemed, and still seem, vastly more educated than me. Yes, I do have significant life experience, but I want to learn about any and everything. And it has always been frustrating to see that my peers know so much when I know so little, at least from an intellectual standpoint. But instead of doing more to close this gap, I continued to complain. I did take time to learn, but if the information was outside of the school curriculum, it was unimportant to me. I always believed that so much of what was being published was irrelevant to my life. How could I not the circumstances of my life did not correlate at all?

I am ashamed to admit this, but my negative attitude toward education stemmed from the simple fact that I could not understand the information that was being presented to me. I would complete all of the assigned readings, do my homework, write the papers, ask millions of questions, and make excellent grades, but it was all to no avail because I was unable to see the big picture, which limited my ability to make any significant connections with whatever text I was investigating. I would search endlessly for relevancy, sometimes literally working myself to death trying to find an answer.

 During my sophomore year, I remember pulling multiple all nighters, despite the fact that I would have football practice, class, and meetings the next day. There was one research paper in particular that frustrated me beyond belief. I was close to completing seven pages when suddenly my computer started to malfunction. And did I save my progress? Nope.

 I was miserable. It had seemed that all of my hard work had amounted to nothing. I wanted to cry right then and there. I literally had to stop myself from destroying the study area of Milliken. Luckily, I had a friend there, an older classmate, that helped me to regain my focus. But then it was decision time: do I stay up till the sun rises (mind you it was close to 4:00am) or do I go to bed? My thought process: go to sleep? No way, I need to finish this paper now. And I did, but I still wasn't satisfied. I earned an "A" on the paper, which I was proud of, but I felt that I had nothing to show for it. All of the information was still so scattered. The connections were beginning to formulate, but I had not reached a level of firm understanding. It felt as if I was merely collecting the information, but I continued to search. I just knew that a time would come when all of what I had learned and experienced would finally make sense.

That time has arrived. When I read through articles in the newspaper, watch movies, listen to people talk, or analyze my own thoughts I am able to connect with the world. This is what learning is all about - making connections within the world, so that it becomes easier to understand my purpose in life. But due to the excitement of learning so much at one time, I cannot sleep. I don't want to sleep to be honest. I know I need sleep, but it might not be as much as I originally thought. I feel great, and I am healthy. There are plenty of people who need 8-10 hours of sleep, but I am fine with 5 or 6. It is not as if I wake up dysfunctional  after only receiving 5 hours of rest. I am still quite capable of performing all that I need to do. And even when I do feel a little fatigued, a cup of coffee -- but never more than one per day -- keeps me alive and ready.

I have literally tried to tire myself out by doing ridiculous amounts of physical activity, but even that does not seem to work. Finding a balance is a difficult task, but something that I am slowly starting to realize about myself is that I do not need as much sleep as the average person. Really, I just want to learn, and anytime that I am not learning, I feel as if it is a waste of time. But who knows? Maybe this is just another phase that I am experimenting with and am too deeply involved to realize that it is a detriment to me. I have done that before, too many times quite frankly. But this time it feels right.

 As opposed to past experiences with not getting enough sleep, I do not wake up or go through the day upset. I feel alive and well. Question: how exactly does someone feel alive? Well, for me it is a matter of embracing the opportunities that I have to learn, understand, and accept the people around me. If not, I limit myself to my own perspective, not taking advantage of the eternal wisdom that, I believe, resides in all of us. To be alive is absorb this knowledge, wisdom, and understanding, and then sharing it with others, so that they can develop ways to improve their own lives.

Sleep? Who needs it. How can I sleep when I am so inspired by the people. It is not about me, it's about we!

Random Thoughts

I was advised to write down my thoughts by a mentor figure here at Wofford before I go to sleep, so let's get down to business

1. It is my prerogative to learn something new and exciting about life everyday.

2. I am convinced that it is useless to worry about what I cannot change.

3. Life is full of meaning and value.

4. Ignorance and fear is the hindrance to our growth as a people.

5. I am annoyed and frustrated my politicians of all parties. The American people should not have to suffer because of petty and selfish concerns.

6. There is a movement among young people across the world that will change the world forever.

7. I will find my queen, but I must exercise patience.

8. Great responsibility is required of those who seek knowledge and truth.

9. The forces of evil have persisted too long, corrupting the purity of humanity; it is time for a change.

10. My trip to South Africa is fast approaching. I am certain that it will be a great learning experience.

11. I miss my family, especially my mother.

12. Dreams are a pathway to success, so I will follow them.

13. I am happy to be alive.

That is all for now, more to come later.

The Trifecto

This is a piece that I wrote this past Spring semester, please enjoy!


When everybody laughs, is it then ok? I am tired of being real. I do not want to be apart of the reality any longer. I want ignorance. Ignorance is sweet, the nectar of such a fruit is what I live for. Brain water. Yes, that is what I need right now, not this false sense of Hope. I need to escape, but why? Is it all contrived? Does not any of it actually exist? Pure imagination. The world is what we make it, so what have we done to destroy our ignorance. We developed conscious thought, and then we sought out that which cannot be known. What a grave and mendacious mistake for all of humanity to have to endure. I suffer because of another's incompetence, another's unwillingness to recognize pride in the form of honor and justice -- so now the sins are real. The deception has manifested, and sadly there is not stopping that which cannot be stopped. The inevitable is upon us, so now we must decide our fate. All knowledge will forever remain unknown, but that truth did not stop us before, so why now? If we want what is good for the world, everlasting peace, then we must continue to strive. But our values are out of line, we do not know the good from the bad. Such inaccuracies have in fact become indistinguishable from the truth. They are, simply stated, indecipherable. But we must gain and cease and control. Those forces who always crave the unknown for the sake of power and oppression are not indestructible, but we must recognize their power and do more than merely complain; we must take action!


 Whatever you choose, choose wisely because the battle is not easy. Difficulty is a necessity. If it is too easy, then you have drifted too far in the wrong direction. And once there, you are incapable of recognizing who you are anymore. Where have you gone, and where are you going? Is this too much to ask of yourself? Do not lie still and accept the punishment. Stand tall and fight. You are too good, but that is not a bad thing. Your patience will bring benefit. You will find wealth and prosperity beyond your own imagination. If this is the time to visualize, then do not waste the precious time you have left. They all see it in you, so now it is time that you see if for yourself. You criticize the others, but it is you who is not ready. Do not be fearful, and never give up on that which your heart desires. You are ready, but they are not, accept it. Did you think it would be easy? How could you? Nothing I grant you is, why would it be any different now, especially in this time of darkness? You experience change. You have learned to love, learn, and listen. The trifecto.

No Sleep

This might be one of the worst cases of insomnia that I have ever had. I did all that I could to exhaust myself playing basketball, but to no avail. It is now 3:04am I cannot sleep. Each time I think I am about to fall asleep, another thought crosses my mind, and from there I cannot help but to make connections. One moment I am thinking about what I want to do with the Togetherness program, the next moment, I am ruminating on my trip to South Africa and so on. The cycle will not cease. I prayed, which normally helps me consolidate my thoughts, but for the past two nights, I have been unable to fall asleep. It would not be an issue if I did not have to be up in less than four hours, not to mention that I have a full day ahead of me. What is wrong with me, why can I not sleep? That is all I want to do. To be honest, I think my biggest mistake was reading about the life of Nelson Mandela. I have only read the first fifteen pages or so, and I am already captivated by this man's journey. I admit that my knowledge of Mandela's life is limited, but to see that he came from such humble beginnings is truly inspiring. Not humble beginnings in the American sense, no not at all. Mandela, the man that changed the world forever, was raised in a tribe.

They way in which he illustrates his homeland is wonderful. I felt as if I was standing next to Mandela as he played games with the other children in Quno. Stick fighting, war games, and tag, what fun for such a young mind. I felt as if I was reliving my childhood through his words. Only if it was possible to go back in time and transform my yearnings of childhood festivities into something real.

I do appreciate where I am now in life, but I long for hours of play with my old friends, many of which have been forgotten. It is a sad occurrence, but one that has given me a great deal of strength. I know that I am an emotional person, and because of that it is difficult for me to relinquish a relationship with most people. But I have learned that the more that I let go, the more that I grow. And if those relationships are truly meant to be, the connection will come about once more. Now that I have made my peace with my childhood, thanks to Mandela, I hope that I can fall asleep.

Two Days of Fun

I do not know why I try my best not to write. Too much truth in one day? No, I have learned that it is not a negative thing to want to know more, and that is exactly what I have been striving for all summer. I have not taken as much time as I would have liked to read, that I must admit, but the time I have taken instead to write and speak has been incredible. I have never given myself a chance to discover, but this summer, I have remained completely open-minded about all things. I have taken a stance on certain subjects, but I am not argumentative about my beliefs. Instead of voicing my opinion on every occasion, I take time to listen to what others have to say. I can speak for myself, but I rather speak for the people. I am not important; I am just another slave to the unknown forces of the universe. In my case, the forces represent the manifestation of God, but I do not want to be irrespective of anyone's religious or non-religious traditions. We all have a voice, so I try my best to speak for as many people as I can by synthesizing all of what is said, and then I try to deliver a message that is all inclusive. Yes, I have accepted my role as a synthesizer. And I will continue to hear the cries of all people, so that one day we will speak as one. With God as my guide and my protector, I will fear no enemy. All challenges will be met and conquered. My focus is unshakable. I have found a balance that will allow me not only to live up to my potential, but will increase my capacity for knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. These qualities will give my life more meaning and value, and as I search for the manifestations of these truths, I will continue to sing to the tune of my own song (Whitman anyone?) Fear? There is nothing to fear other than fear itself. Not only can I write that with passion and understanding, I now know what it means to feel the gravity of such profound and truthful words. The tendency is to remain in the abstract, but now I reflect upon the present, at least what I experienced the past two days. (And hopefully, I will be able to fall asleep.)

There was a time when I had convinced myself that sleeping for such long and extended amounts of time was a sign of depression. Now there is some truth to this statement, but only when such action becomes a normal occurrence. And for the last two months, I have rarely slept more than 8-10 hours, in fear that such an occurrence was a sign of depression or that I was simply excluding myself from the pleasures of life. But this past weekend was different. I wanted to do so much after receiving such an abundance of knowledge about how to change the world. The ILI conference inspired me in a way that has strengthened my belief in world peace, which was once something of an abstract idea. I thought that world peace was nothing more than a theory to be debated and discussed for millennia, but the possibility of achieving this lofty goal has presented itself. Each day of my life I search for an answer to the issue of world peace, and at the ILI, I was given a concrete strategy as to how to bring it about. With so much weighing on my mind, it was hard not to want to learn as much as possible. I wanted to read, watch, and listen to all that I could. I didn't even think about sleeping. Why sleep when the world was unaware of it's potential greatness? But when I awoke Saturday, I noticed a tremendous change in the way I had been dreaming.

 As of late, my dreams have been very vivid. Not only do I remember particular scenarios and events, but I have the ability to relive those dreams through my daily interactions with people. I synthesize all of what happens the night before and search for the idea that most represents the desires of my unconscious mind. Articulating such an occurrence seems paranormal or strange, I know, but I promise you I am not under the influence of any drugs or alcohol. But as I said earlier, when I awoke on Saturday I noticed a difference.

Instead of dreaming about a particular moment in time or what might transpire the next day, I began to dream about my entire life. The past, present, and future were no longer a mystery. I still do not know the exact details of my future, but by being able to vividly see the idea of what has been, what is, and what is to come, I was given a greater sense of awareness and hope. I realized that I do not need to fret about what I cannot know. I can only know about the moment I am currently in. And even then, it is impossible to know exactly what is going on. Who is to say that I will not be able to type five minutes from now. I can not relive the past, and I cannot see into the future. All that I can do is be in the moment. This was such a wonderful lesson to be able to understand. For  my entire college career, I had been unwilling to accept the jubilation of the present moment. If I was happy, I felt the need to do something "productive," rather than sharing my happiness with others. I know it sounds strange, but all of what I just mentioned was revealed to me in my dreams.

So, instead of overworking myself on Saturday, I decided to fall asleep any time I felt tired, and I am so happy I did. I am typically a heavy sleeper, but I took two naps, both not lasting more than two hours, and each time it felt as if I had been asleep for an eternity. I wish I could remember the exact details of the dreams... Nope. But I will say that each time I awoke,  I felt like a new person. It was if by going to sleep, I was being reintroduced to the world, like an infant who knows nothing, not even knowledge about their own existence. It was surreal. I was skeptical at first, I mean who wouldn't be, but then I accepted it as truth.

Sunday was even better. I slept for a total of eleven hours! It was fa-bu-lous. The dreams were more vivid than the one's before, and I felt at peace. I only wish I could have stayed asleep longer. It really was an incredible feeling. But the best part of all of this was the fact that I accept myself for me. I am a unique individual, and a just a few weeks ago, I would have been ashamed to share the information I just explained. I am no longer ashamed. I am comfortable in my own skin because I can express myself freely.

But, before I conclude, I must take a moment to elucidate an idea that my Dad explained to me today on the phone (I love talking to my father, he is the best!). He talked about what I will call "The Three P's" -- Position, Purpose, and Prevalence. As we were discussing the changing dynamic of my friends, he explained that is imperative for me to position myself with people who will give me a greater purpose, and then transform that purpose into an world changing ecumenical message that will then become prevalent. With so much change and growth occurring in my life, sometimes it is difficult to find people that will enable me to adhere to the three P's, but knowing that all people have something to offer will keep me motivated to find the message that should become the most prevalent.

Reflection: The Summer of Truth

Today has been amazing. I have always been somewhat reluctant to say that a day is perfect, but it seems that this entire week has been that way. Yes, there have been brief moments of sadness and depression, but the majority of the time I have been happy and excited about all that life has to teach me. But to return to why today has been so great, I must say that there is nothing better in life than being able to be honest with yourself about your feelings. Before this summer, I had a difficult time expressing how I felt about so many different things, which was a hassle. I always felt so burdened, not wanting to do much of anything unless it had something to do with Togetherness, which is a program that I created my freshmen year of college. This program gave me the reassurance that I needed to know that expressing the truth to other people is possible, but I found myself telling the same story -- "My name is Michael Roulhac, and I am survivor, a survivor that has had to deal with life circumstances that many would find unbelievable." It was, and is, a good story to tell, but the story was sad. I would only speak of my triumphs momentarily, not taking an opportunity to talk about the good things about my life. I did not want to express my happiness and joy. I was so lost in the adversity that I blinded myself to the realities of all the great things transpiring right in front of my face. But who could blame me? Up until college, my life was constantly bombarded by negativity. Everywhere I looked, I saw darkness. It was awful, and since it was the only thing that I chose to see, it was the only thing I felt comfortable talking about. It really is ironic when I think about it.

The negative around me was my inspiration. It gave me the motivation and determination to find jubilation. When I was six years old, I vividly remember working for a company called Jesse's Moving. Again, I was six at the time, but I remember working with grown men who were making the same wages that I was -- a measly ten dollars an hour, sometimes less. Ten dollars an hour was a lot for me, but it disturbed me that grown men, who were responsible for children, mortgage payments, car payments, and other bills, were depending on this job as their only source of income. It was then that I knew I needed to make sure to turn the negative into positive. At that moment, I decided that I was not going to let my circumstances affect me. It would have been easy for me to succumb to the adversity, but I was strong. I saw my mother's example, and wanted to do better than her. But by blinding myself to the realities of my situation, I trained myself to lie in order to feel better. It worked for quite some time, but then I realized that I had created a massive hole of emptiness because I was not being honest with myself. So, this summer, I made it a priority to discover the truth about my existence. I wanted to know why I am here and what I am suppose to do, questions that come with severe consequence once investigated. Regardless, the search began.

I looked deep into my heart and soul, challenging myself to think in the abstract constantly. What if scenarios were my speciality at the time: What if I could go back into the past and change this situation or that relationship, and what about that one time? Theses were questions that I would pose to myself constantly. The answers were disturbing at times, but I continued to search for meaning, loosing myself to thought for days at a time. The experience itself was surreal. I knew that I was alive, but life was too good to be true. I literally felt as if I was living in a dream. I doubted the reality of my existence. I had been accustomed to negativity. I felt that I was undeserving of such jubilation. But I soon realized that I was wrong about the latter proposition. It is okay to be happy. Sadness comes and goes, but happiness is everlasting, I just have to be open to express the truth of my existence. Until then, the confusion will corrupt my mind, eating away at the foundation of honesty that I have been working so hard to build.

When I deemed this summer as the summer of truth, I wasn't exactly sure what I meant by such a broad and general statement, but now I understand. It is okay to be happy, and not have to worry about what might happen today, tomorrow, or three weeks from now. With God serving as the foundation of my life, I need not worry about what I cannot change. All that I can do is move forward, accepting His guidance as it comes.

At the beginning of this post I mentioned that today has been amazing, and the reason for such a claim is that I can literally see my dreams coming true. My whole prerogative in life is to unite people from multiple and varied perspectives. And each day, I am given an opportunity to do so; it is just a matter of expressing the truth about myself to others, something that has frightened me for so long. But I have come to understand that if you express the truth about yourself, people will reciprocate your efforts, at least in most cases. I am not naive. I know there are plenty of people that could care less about what you have to say, and will lie, cheat, and steal to have their way. However, I believe that these type of people are only but a small portion of the human population. Most of us want the world to change for the better, and by working together, such change will be fostered.

These paragraphs are scattered I know, but thank you for baring with me, there is so much on my mind, and I know if I do not express it now, it will remain as a burden. I do not like to carry unnecessary burdens, and I believe expressing myself to others is one of the best way to alleviate those burdens. All of this to say that I do not like to express details about my life. It has always been easy for me to talk about the ideas of what I might be experiencing, but I rarely talk about what I am actually going through, especially when things are going well. I would rather talk about the negative or the ideas that go behind making the negative positive. But now I am no longer afraid to tell the truth, and I know by doing so I can do more to help others. One thing I learned during the Interfaith Leadership Institute, which took place in D.C. this week, is the fact that "if I ain't given, I ain't livin," so I want to share all that I can, in hopes that it well help other people.

Yet Another Connection

Sometimes I just sit and wonder...

On more occasions that I want to admit, I just do not take the time to write about what I am thinking, I am ashamed to say that, but it is the truth. Rather than dealing with the emotions of a certain event, especially those associated with the present, I contemplate, letting my thoughts flow like a mystic stream in a land of nothingness that is pristine in nature, but full of desire, want, and corruption. I apologize for the the abstract description, but, to me, it is what I consider to be most natural. I do not like to describe things in any ordinary or mundane way, that bores me. I like to live life high, no, not under the influence of marijuana, but from the beauty and passion that is contained within my life and those around me. That is what gives me the greatest joy, and when I take time to illustrate my thoughts, I do not believe that it is appropriate to relegate such knowledge to the ordinary and mundane fields of existence. By doing so, I feel as if I am limiting my potential as a human being. Personally, I do believe that we were made in God's image, and because of this truth, there are certain modes of existence that are infinite in theory. I do love theory -- it is positive to think about what could or could not be, but what about taking action to turn certain theories into reality? A lot of people talk about what they should or wish they could do, why not do it? What is there to be afraid of?

I have a mentor that once explained to me the concept of fear. And though I do not remember the explicit details of his theory, the point was clear: There is nothing to fear than fear itself. What is fear? Good question, fear is nothing more than what your mind conceptualizes as a hindrance to being or becoming the person that you want to be. As Descartes once explained, the will is an infinite quality of human existence. Our understanding is not infinite, but only because we lack certain experiences to dictate the best courses of action in unfamiliar situations. When this occurs -- when we honestly do not know what to do in a given situation -- fear presents itself. Instead of taking the action necessary (and yes, I am guilty of this as well, but I try my best to recognize the fear and conquer it) to bring about our desired results, we recoil and develop as many excuses that we can think of to disprove the potential of our plan of action. Taking time to think and reflect on past experiences is positive, let me make that point clear, but when positive thinking does not lead to positive action, we limit our ability to achieve the greatest level of connectivity imaginable.

My Own Song

I was compelled to write this after reading a few pages of Whitman's poem, "Song of Myself," a true masterpiece of passion and love.  Please enjoy!

My Own Song

I am not sure if I can understand how so much beauty - the beauty if life - can be contained is so few words. I am not there with Whitman, but I am present. As he describes the movement of the unsettled crowd, I can visualize the confusion, the chaos, and I desire to stand next to him, wondering what all of it means. But I cannot contemplate, he does not allow me to; I must move along.

And now the sound caresses my body; the wind is my vibration and I am free, but still I do not understand you, Whitman. What are attempting to explain, so much contained within so little, and still you continue to move.

How is that we have arrived here, you, me, and all that is the world? Describe the brevity, but do not eliminate my joy. The moment is bliss, I cannot refrain, refrain from what? Is this not a dream? No, you must refrain from the urge, the urge to stop and stare, to be one with those who have accepted the deep and solemn trot. Will you go with them or shall we continue to soar amongst the clouds, the stars, the planets - the universe, you decide.

Whitman I must hold on for fear that the moment might escape me. There is too much to see, too much to do, I am defeated by the languid nature of them all. Please, we must rest. My heart races ever faster. My soul is being torn from the love lost. Stop I say!

The incessant cry will remains, but we will continue to journey further into the depths of unknown love and passion, beauty and good, inspiration and hope.

Brother for brother, sister with sister, we are all one, but we are none. The lies of the world have misguided us. The birth of the grass was a mere fable. There can be no death; all that remains is the cycle. Whitman, I cannot breathe. I am suffocating in my own ignorance, and yet you persist in your efforts. I ask once more, how is that so much is contained within so little. A vessel, yes, a vessel, that is what we all are, but we do not understand. Comprehension is a must; we will fight; we will die; we will fight, and we will die. He mustn't scorch the earth with his plague of darkness. I will not accept it. I want to stay there, but I cannot. Who is to blame? Me? Or You?

The thoughts run with the flow of the stream. Yes, and Whitman has raised the level of understanding to an unprecedented level. Finally, a voice that understands the passion that I have for life, as well as the spirit to depict what I see, despite the suffering. The moment, for me, is full of love, but I am continually forced to depart with the warm embrace. They continually tell me be strong, fight the good fight; do what is right. I will, and I have, but the difficulty has increased exponentially. I find myself wanting to live in the moment forever, no distractions, no fears, no worries, just life. Only myself  that is why I sing to me. Only the nature that is God can understand; yet I will turn to other outlets. I will scream; I will yell, but all to no avail. I want to stop. I want to live there forever. But that will only amount to stagnation. I perceive the wonderment; I know of the pleasure, but I cannot concede, so I must sing to myself. I will make myself happy by mere reflection. This is my only option, since I cannot recreate the moment when I am experiencing it. All that I must depend on is the song, the song of the birds, the children, the soul, and the heart. That is what is music to my ears. My song is but a sorrowful depiction. DuBois spoke if it well; and it is no coincidence that he and Whitman coincide (remember, great minds think alike). Consanguinity does not always foster intimacy, but in this case it does... But why?

One must know thyself (again so much life contained within so little). When you have your own song, you can perceive the seemingly imperceptible. The rhythm and voice is unique, but the chord strikes you at the core. Here you are digging, The Sea, the Ocean, and the Devil too, all have been conquered. Will you not realize that is time to reemerge? Whitman is the soul of life. DuBois was the guide. And she is your reassurance. The portal was opened by The Rite, mastered through the art of perception, conception, and inception. With the ideas constantly flowing, how could you perceive otherwise?

Connection.

Ah yes, this is what it all amounts to. There is not a single event that can escape you. The articulation may never be of your own doing, but that is only because you perceive that your life is limited. Do you not remember the eternal soul, the one with billions of voicing screaming in unison, captivating and sustaining you? Do you not remember? What a foolish individual you have become, such ignorance is not becoming of you. And now you are free.

An unexpected moment with one that you love. He was once but a stranger, but now you speak through one another. For such a long time you have waited for this kind and gentle soul to listen to you. He is not her because he is better. When honesty, trust, and loyalty serve as the foundations of friendship, much more can be achieved.  Yes, it was possible for you to have this with all of them. But that time has passed, so the time is now. Accept your growth and continue to express. Expression will allow you to attain so much more. The heart is solid, the mind is weary, but you must continue to seek more.

We move as one because that is our essence. If life has granted me anything, that I will understand as the ultimate lesson. I told her that I would allow the tears to flow on the page; so I will accept that wisdom is forever, and experience comes with age. So what have I seen that confirms this totality of being? What makes me so positive? I did not understand not what he described, but I followed with enthusiasm and interest. The answer, then, is nothing more than my own song of faith.

 I have found my song once more. Tell them! The heavens, the people, the creatures, the insects, mammals, animals, please tell them all. He waited until 50, but I have it now. I will serenade them all with my lull, my eagerness of expression - return to the question...

How is so much beauty - the beauty of life - contained within so few words? Easy, one must find their own song and be soothed by their own voice. Only then will you begin to feel, to understand, to love life, all of it, with a passion that makes it almost impossible not remove to yourself from the moment. But by doing so, you gain further perspective and experience. The life we live is something of a whole, so the song that I sing to myself will come from the soul.

The Death of A Loved One

It pains me to know that I lack the experience of loss. I am still trudging through "The Souls of Black Folk" by DuBois, I cannot help but to wonder how he was able to persist in his efforts, despite the constant injustice that was imposed upon him by a society that rejected notions of Negro intelligence as a farce. American society has changed a great deal since the time of DuBois, but it seems that what DuBois was able to accomplish was beyond his years, and in many ways, it still beyond what we believe and understand today. Yet I do not want emphasize his prescient scholarship, I would rather analyze the feeling that he conveyed through the death of his son.

The vicissitudes of life are daily, moment to moment, even, and in his essay "Of the Passing of the First Born," DuBois captures these drastic changes with stunning clarity. His essay is no more than five pages long, but it seems that the reader is subjected to six or seven different personalities of DuBois. One was enraged, the other, misguided, another depressed, and several others either confused, betrayed, wounded, joyous, or sullen. All of this is quite chaotic, but there remains a certain semblance that is unmistakable. When confronted with death, especially when the loss is one of your our flesh, the emotions of life surface and are beyond control. These emotions swell inside of one's heart, begging for release, but too often we suppress these emotions, not wanting anybody to see our apparent vulnerability. Vulnerability is a strength, but it is often considered a weakness. One must be tough, strong, and guarded in their emotions. To do otherwise is treason to the American ideal of resiliency. We (men especially!) are not suppose to cry; it is better for us subvert these feelings than to openly express them for fear that another might feel uncomfortable by such outpourings. This is a disgrace to our nature. We are emotional creatures, and we should be allowed to grieve as we see fit after the death of a loved one. No, instead, we are forced to work through the pain. They will say, "Why don't you take a few days off to till with your loss" -- a few days? What is a few days when the ensuing depression can last for weeks, months, and even years at a time? Death brings about emotions that we are unfamiliar with, so how can we be expected to work through those emotions within a few days? Life is already hard enough. The fact that one is rarely able to express how they truly feel without fear of punishment, whether it be physical, mental, or emotion, is an absurdity, so when death manifests itself, how can we expect for a person to continue? It is a testament to human strength, but how far can the limits of one strength be tested before exhaustion rears its ugly head, crippling the efforts of those who choose to resist its powerful grip? I will never quite understand the pain of loss because I have never been afforded the opportunity to do so. I never have enough time to ruminate on what it means to die, such a thought process is almost always retrospective, at least for me that is. That is why I am happy to see that somebody has articulated the moment of such an event. No, I cannot quite understand all of what DuBois attempts to decipher is his musings, but the feeling is undeniable. Once more, DuBois has unlocked a hidden path through talk of the Veil.

It is hard to know the experience of death, but DuBois's commentary serves as yet another gateway of vicarious living. It is my belief that we can never know the full meaning and consequence of death, to do so would ensure total loss of the one who does not restrict themselves by acknowledging the downward fall that they are making to the depths of unknown feeling and emotion. DuBois, I feel, comes close, and I am sure that there are others as well who articulate the solemnity of the moment. Again, I feel liberated by the words and actions of DuBois. I am given greater understanding of my own life because of his ability to articulate the suffering of so many before me. There is much too unpack within this short work, but with time I believe that we will articulate such life experience that will be beneficial to many of the coming age. Generation will stand upon generation, seeking the knowledge of experience, a knowledge that will only remain an enigma if one fails to investigate and openly recognize the truth of its contents.

A Lost Cause

This entry is a journey, a journey that is hidden, but full of meaning and truth, please enjoy!


Fear and Abstraction are the tenets, but what proceeds is a reality that is wholesome, capable of expounding its own grandeur and magnanimity. Yet it is all of it is dependent upon interpretation, let us now investigate the depths that have been left undiscovered. Begin.


The day has almost passed - the prerequisite for the founding of independence in this country - and I cannot help but to wonder how far I have come. This feeling is very similar to that of New York. In New York, I did not have an issue with reading. My trouble lied in writing last summer. The benefits were obvious, but because of my cautious nature, it did not seem right to have such a good time, especially when such fun was birthed from mental pursuits. Who in their right mind finds reading and writing fun? I thought it was a ludicrous idea, absurd even, but now I have learned. There was a time when I wanted to escape the truth of my existence; a time when the truth was a nothing more than a myopic glance of perfection; a time when confusion and its intoxicating effects were more desirable than the clarity of my own reality - a time of abhorrent deceit, of false pretenses, and self-righteous pretension. I was terrified of the truth. I would ask myself, subconsciously nonetheless, Is it real?, and my answer, I must admit, was a defiant no; the answer was sound and resolute at the time, and I accepted it as truth. What a fool I was then to believe that limitation and constriction were the keys to success. But now, yes, but now the answer is lucid and coherent.

I am no longer a subject to the viscous cycle of self-imposed destruction. I learn for the sake of learning, and I do not restrain my opportunities to do so by stagnation. It was easier to ponder about what could have or should have been, but that created a burden that was beyond the limits of human physicality to carry. Atlas? No atlas. The universe was upon me, but now I am liberated. I seek knowledge in all places and I recognize the self-discipline that has carried me thus far, despite my misgivings, my transgressions, my judgments. Yet I am not content. I need more, and will work to fulfill the potential that is my circle, my balance of will. I have no reason to limit myself. Yes, I will take it easy, but in way that is suitable to my talents. I need not lag behind my goals and aspirations. If I desire to complete the task, then that is what I shall do.

Forces of nature, rain down upon us. Cover us in your mercy and let our tears soak into your rivers, your streams, your seas, and your oceans. We know not of the knowledge we seek, but it is our nature to know the light and the darkness. We know not which one is better, so we beg of your forgiveness. Yes, we have altered the natural beauty that is your creation, but we know not what we do. Please, we beg, allow your forces, whatever those forces might be, to guide us in the right direction.

Heaven sings, and the song is Holy. Corruption is not allowed here. Stop.

Now for the foreshadowing...

Do you see the connection? Yes, the connection that is rooted in the very existence of humankind. Please. Tell. Me. You. See. It.

Play.

To make a most triumphant return was the plan of action, but only if one desires complete satisfaction. Admit it to yourself - you were lost. Comprehension and understanding escaped you. You ran, you fell. You ran, you conquered. How many times before it is all over?

From whence you came...

A question posed to all men of understanding, but one that will remain The enigma of our time. Limitless we desire it to be, but we are but finite creatures, searching for emptiness that will grant us fulfillment. How can this be so? Do you not understand? But what about me, you, him, her - all of this seems quite complicated. We must plunge deepen into the source of our indulgence, but we cannot go it alone, we need you.

And now we are brought to another triumphant of joy, the defeat of treachery and the ascendency of the Throne. Now there is but one hindering your progress. Profess his name before the crowd, do it, do not be afraid. If you refuse to heed my advice, the wrath will reign down upon and you will submit.

A lot of words; yet all of it not sense. We are not alone, despite what they tell us. So many references to the purity of our own existence, and yet we cannot seem to move. Zeno was correct. The golden apple that shattered the will of Atalanta is now our only desire. Woe is thee. The majority of minds have been corrupted of this greed. Immoral behavior is now accepted, and complacency is no longer a concern. Again, how far will we continue to plunge before we recognize our disposition of evil and degradation...

Another story to be continued. I am still not convinced of my own learning, so I will continue to seek not only the knowledge but the intricacies of its existence. There is a reason for the confusion, but as was true for Socrates, Anselm, Martin Luther, Descartes, Kant, Marx, DuBois, and Wittgenstein, the truth shall be revealed in due time, and fierce debate will follow. We subject ourselves to the confusion because that is what we are most comfortable with, but we do build upon the generations before us and utilize both tradition and enlightenment. There is no victor, only compromise. If you believe otherwise, what could you possibly be fighting for? You know not why you prior into the despair, only that the pain excites you?What is the remedy for such irresponsible behavior? There is no answer, only the sickening and malicious poison of your flesh that shall now be considered the lost cause.

Fear

This was something I wrote after I finished watching the Green Lantern this past Thursday.


It only overcomes me when I do what I am suppose to. I could ask why, but I am fully aware of the answer. For too long I habituated myself to accept it, but I refute it's presence. It will not take a hold of me this time. What are you saying? Why would you tell me anything different from what I know and believe? Yes, I made a mistake, but that does not give you the right to control me. You have dictated my life for far too long; it is time that my will shine through, or should I say His will. I have been running away from you too long. I am no longer afraid. What you did to me was unforgivable, and if I ever have to sink that low into my own self-pity and despair, I will know exactly what do to do. I will admit it to myself and anybody else who chooses to listen. Most of them will not, but that will not stop the inevitable. I was blessed with this gift, this talent. The habit was developed quite some time ago, but now I recognize the habit, and I will muster all of my strength to cultivate it as I need to.

Courage in the face of the unthinkable. With no one to guide other than Him, how will you react to the deception? Just as I always have, with diligence and persistence of action. Even if I choose the wrong path, I will not avoid the ensuing consequences. I have been wrong before, too often to be honest. But I will not remain stagnant. Stagnation only increases your power as my continuous stream of thoughts devour my ambition and ability to conquer. The truth of your strength has been revealed to me. It is not easy for me to admit when I need help, but I now know that there will be someone there to guide me to the right path. It might take longer than I originally intended, but I know that patience and understanding will give me the strength to endure. There have been so many before me that defeated you, and I will surely not be the last. The limits of your power have been exposed, and your dominion is being eradicated gradually. We cannot do it all at one time -- hasty solutions do not solve century long issues. We will wait, and we will act. It is our turn to change the world, and this time our efforts will succeed and stand the hands of time.

Can you not hear my voice? It is this the voice of billions. Our voices are united. We have come to understand the roots of division, and our awareness gives us greater perspective to see through and past the deception. Another verse is unnecessary because we all know who is the deceitful adversary...

How Deep is Too Deep?

I was reluctant to write about more about DuBois before I completed his work "The Souls of Black Folk," but there is honestly too much information to process without working out some of my thoughts  on paper...

I had never been exposed to DuBois prior to my matriculation to Wofford. I remember hearing his name on occasion throughout high school, and even during my first two years at Wofford, but I had no idea that he was "the" intellectual of the 20th century, at least in my opinion. There are a lot of people that always seem to close when describing the problems of the age, and some of them are capable of providing positive solutions -- Karl Marx, G.W.F. Hegel, just to mention a couple -- but DuBois's combination scholarship and emotional expression far surpasses them all. The impact of his writing is still relevant today, and his ideas, I would argue, have influenced a number of generations, no matter the color of their skin. I have such a profound respect for this individual, and I am elated that I was afforded an opportunity to spend an entire semester learning about his life story -- the good, and the bad. DuBois accomplished a lot during his lifetime -- I am tempted to list his accomplishments, but that could take quite a bit of time, so I will not do so for now -- but what I find most intriguing about his talents was his ability to communicate through the soul, which, a lot times, is a difficult task, it seems, for people with intellectual capabilities like DuBois (DuBois was Harvard educated, receiving a doctorate from this prestigious university, and he also attended the University of Berlin, as well as Fisk University).

I am not sure if I am the one who is unable to detect the pain of expression by different intellectuals, but there always seems to be an emotional disconnect with academic writing. Academics usually discuss those things that are most important to our lives and society, so I need to be able to "feel" what they are saying before I can accept it as truth. The ability to give myself over to the emotions of different authors has improved a great deal since my time at Wofford, so with time, I am sure that I will be better able to understand multiple perspectives from various authors.

My favorite author other than DuBois is  Rene Descartes. When I read through his Meditations, for a second time, I literally refused to read anything else, at least for a couple of days. To me, Descartes had described the human condition in a way that was not only compelling but disturbing as well. He exposed the limits of our understanding, in that all we can truly know is "I think, therefore I am." After accepting this maxim as truth, I was convinced that I did not need to learn anything else. All of what I had been seeking for so long had finally been articulated in a way that gave me greater confidence about my own existence; it was a relief needless to say. My soul had been penetrated, and the truth that I seek to find on a daily basis, in a lot of ways, stems from the knowledge I gained from Descartes that he expressed in his Meditations.

I did not believe it was possible for anyone to go deeper than Descartes, but I was sadly mistaken. Whereas Descartes articulated the pain of his own experience, DuBois, in The Souls of Black Folk, articulates the pain of an entire race -- the human race. When reading through DuBois's first essay, I felt as if the entire world was talking to me at the same time. The wisdom of the world was slowly being revealed to me as I continued to turn the pages. I felt the struggle of so many; I understood their pain, their anguish, their sense of loss. I could hear the voices screaming, but I could not respond. I wanted to close the book immediately. So much suffering contained in one voice was unbearable, but I had to read further. I needed to know the extent of the suffering, so that I could better recognize the sacrifice that had been made for me. If I wanted to know why I am the person I am today, I needed to hear the voice of the eternal soul that lies inside of all of us. I was seeking wisdom, what I have previously called "Brain Water." I needed to free my mind by replenishing it with what we all need most, water. And by doing so, I was able to delve deeper into the well of my emotions, actualizing what had been hidden for so long. And even as I type more about my revelation, I begin to feel the burden of millions being lifted by the hands of those who suffered through what I am not trying my very best to understand. It is as if these persons, my ancestors, are living through me, carrying away my fears, worries, and anxieties. I feel at peace with the world, but I am fully aware that such a feat would have not been possible had I not taken time to listen to what so many wanted to say. They are providing me an historical perspective that allows me to gauge their experience. Experience is all that we can know, so know that I have a better understanding of their experiences, I now can articulate my own in a way that is meaning and valuable to others. I believe that we all have this ability, but we must learn to listen and dive deep into the understanding of the eternal soul.

Because of DuBois, I need not be afraid of how deep the water is. I can go as deep as my heart desires. The oxygen that I need is being provided to me by my ancestors, who already fought that the battles, so that I could live. This, to me, is the epitome of the human soul, and now I am better able to understand that because of this wonderfully crafted work of literature. Thank you.

It Was True

He was wrong about the past...

The future contains what he desires most, but he moves sluggishly through the crowd. He thinks that this is the best way to success, well, it is for him, but what about those around him? Stop. He does not have the ability to relate because he lacks sound experience. Go Deeper. No, he can relate because of vicarious living, so now he has the ability to learn the lesson without such grave and unwarranted pain.

Question: Why is it that he only seems to focus on the pain? Does he not consider there to be more good than bad. Of course, of course, but if you want to begin to understand his complex, you must know that he continues to embrace what he does not yet understand. This process, he hopes, will provide him with the answer that he needs to overcome. Really now? If only you know of the complex, how shall we say it... Wait, where in the world did we come from... Start over.

The future contains what he desires most and that is success. Success in the form of happiness. Happiness, which is the actualizing of one's potential. And by doing so he is assured of continual peace. Keep going. So, now that he is off in the right direction, he wonders about his siblings, his family, his friends, and even the girls. Why so often do the girls cause him trouble? Life.

Great answer! A celebration is in order. Bring the drugs, bring the alcohol. What? He rejects? Why? Is this not want everybody wants. Yes, they all want to numb the pain rather than deal with the consequences of truth. It seems like so much fun for everybody else that is why he tried himself. So, not only is he now confused... I think it might be time to, wait who is I?... Start over! No, not this time. He will not be deterred from the path. This path suits him well. But if that is this case, then why are there so many questions and doubts even? He should not have to doubt what he believes in. What a fool you are... If he does not question, how else can he be reassured of his faith. Faith is what he has in this world, the only facet of life that is unknowable but makes perfect sense. He is no fool. Do not start over, he is almost there.

So the day has passed and I have learned a great deal. I have a tendency to write what I find to be most complicated in a way that is both appeasing and cathartic to me. I am not sure if you can follow me entirely, but this is a day in the life of Him. No, not myself. I would be a fool to give myself glory for overcoming the fear of failure. I do not consider it an option, but I am only capable because of the goodness of the Lord. There is more to this story that has not yet been revealed, but, in due time, all will be known to you, me, him, her, they, and...

What About Me?

I know this cannot be true...

He keeps trying to do the right thing, but when the success outweighs the negativity in his life, he rejects the good for what it is. Instead of reflecting on the good, all of what has brought him shame comes to mind. This person is trapped in his own misery when everything is going well. He suffers unnecessarily; he complains when there is nothing to complain about. Life is not suppose to be this good, and if it is, he asks himself why he did not have the opportunities to enjoy it in this manner when he was a young soul. Yes, a young soul, one that was still willing to mature without fear of positive consequences. Wait. Yes, positive consequences. For him, it is a difficult task to mature past his years once again. Three years of college made him question who he was, but now it is time for him to make a triumphant return to self, but the road will not be easy. Negative actions that have become positive habits are hard to break, but he can do it. He is motivated, he is determined, and he is ready. This time he will not fail. If this is who he was such a long time ago, even then he was lying to himself. The amount of effort he had to put forth in the past was extraordinary, but now that he is fully aware of the truth, he will have to work that much harder to maintain his sanity. He is no longer working for the product; instead, he recognizes the process that is life. Life is what will carry him to where he needs to be; he need not worry about the things that he cannot change. All that he can know or trust is himself and the Lord, so that is what he will do until the answer is revealed -- it is only a matter of time.

Why Are You So Afraid?

Something of a poem about love.


I need for you tell me a secret, one that you have been hiding from me since the day we met. Wait. This can be no more. If I have been patient for this long, why is it now that I must wait on you? Tell me what I want to hear. No, instead you will refuse. I need to tell you something, but you are resistant. Each time I allow myself to be vulnerable around you, you make a fool of me. My heart is in despair. Why the pain? I took the initial step, I was bold, firm, resolute even, but it has amounted to nothing more than a painful mystery.

This is the time for me to tell you, but you are still not ready. Why? Did I not show you the affection that you had been longing for? Did I not give you the love that you so desperately needed, answer me! Patience. No, I do not want to wait. Why is it that I do what I am supposed to do and my feelings are never reciprocated by you? I am moving to fast? No, I am doing what is best for the both of us. I am not afraid, and this time, it is your decision. I have done the right thing, that which will ensure my happiness. I refuse to carry the burden of darkness that will weigh down on me, crushing my being until I am not able to recognize myself. I refuse. I will not live with the regret because tomorrow is not promised. I am seeing the future, and you are oblivious to the present moment. We will not work, but one day you will no longer be afraid of me. And that is a day that I will rejoice to all of you. Victory in the name of love, my only desire.

But wait there is another. She is of the same kind but firm. She knows herself well, but not well enough to let go. Why do I continually find myself in this situation? I am not searching for much, just companionship, but I only receive rejection. I was honest with you. That is what you wanted, right? A deep and emotional connection untainted by the restrictive measures of societies definitions of truth. We are honest with one another, but you tell me that you have certain issues. No, you are afraid. She was and so are you, you both are.

 Cursed I am because of their fears and worries. Why do they not just give themselves over to what they feel? I am not seeking the product, I want the process; yet we cannot move forward if our foundations are built upon trust and honesty. I will not lie because I am secure in my beliefs, and I do want to torture my soul again. But you will wait for nothing, no matter, I will wait with you. You are special to me, and I do care about how this develops. I am suffering more than you know, but only to sharpen what we do share, my only hope is that you will continue to grow with me. I love you.